14 garden atrocities to avoid at any cost

May 15, 2012

We got to the garden supply store a bit earlier than our landscaper the other day and had plenty of time to peruse the place. We were astonished at the broad range of atrocious decorative items available to those with terrible taste. Here, take a look with us:


This sinister squirrel with malevolent eyes.


Here’s his friend, the malevolent owl.

And sinister comes in vegetables, too: a matching malevolent mushroom.

You can see how dangerous a mushroom it is: it ate half this unlucky butterfly.


Can’t you just imagine this one coming alive in the middle of the night and slaughtering the entire family? I can. This is just disturbing.


And, good God, if I turned the corner and saw this in my garden I’d be scared shitless. What IS this hideous creature? I don’t ever want to see it again.


Who, in their right mind, would choose a nose-picking fairy for their garden? Seriously.

I had plenty of exposure to horrible depictions of butterflies when I lived in Pacific Grove. The monarch butterfly was the city’s symbol and there was no end to the number of awful monarchs affixed to houses all over PG. But even those weren’t as appalling as this one.

Is this Jiminy Cricket? Whatever. It’s just plain wrong.

Oh-oh-oh. My. This frog is just horrific. I think they made a horror movie about it.

An entire grouping of atrocities.

You’d have to have a bigtime shoe fetish to want these in your garden. And that’s a visual I just don’t want to take any further.

A giant dragonfly. Gigantic. Where would you actually put this monstrosity?

These flowers look like a science project gone bad.

Or maybe they were found on an alien planet. I got me some in my new garden. I couldn’t resist them. It wouldn’t surprise me if a spaceship landed one night and snatched them back.