The 2015 Oscars. Where do I begin?
Oh wait. First I have to awaken from the coma this year’s Oscar telecast put me in. OK, coffee’s made and first few sips downed.
Who WERE some of these presenters? I loved the days of real Hollywood stars. We all knew their names. And they had easy names. “Bette Davis.” “Marilyn Monroe.” “Lena Horne.” Presenters need phonetic scripts for some of today’s names and I needed constant captions. One of my social media friends had a game going where every time she didn’t recognize a presenter or award recipient, she’d take a drink. Haven’t heard from her since.
When dignity flies out the window. As much as I admire a man who is in such great shape his almost naked body looks perfect in High Definition TV, Neil Patrick Harris, what WERE you thinking, leaping around in tighty whities with your junk so perfectly defined? I did not want to know so much about you. Was that a ridiculous segment or what? Why did you–a grown man and prodigious talent– allow your dignity to be lost in that way? He said it wasn’t enhanced, just…covered up a little more for modesty. But let me look away, Dougie. Because you look terribly inappropriate for your age.
Fashion flop. That horrible green plant climbing ScarJo’s neck was…oh, that was a necklace? I thought she could just slap a headdress on and walk the Vegas stage.
Pancake boobs. Jenny from the Block needs to take some of her money and put it toward taste lessons. Oh, JLo, you do have a GREAT body. And that dress was pretty. Except for the way the plunging neckline smashed your boobs so flat you looked like you had two pancakes there. I mean, seriously, WHY do these hot women wear unflattering outfits that show their form but do nothing for it? Enough already. Cover them up, lift them up and get some class.
Calling Guiliana Rancic: eat a cookie. You looked like a lollipop–big head, stick body. Now you look like you suffer from wasting disease. Seriously, this girl’s got an eating disorder. Seriously. Calling Intervention…..
Sorry Joan, that’s show business. Joan Rivers wasn’t in the memorial segment. What idiot made THAT decision? That’s a huge FAIL in my book.
Best moment of the show. Who knew Lady Gaga could sing so beautifully? Apparently, she’s classically trained. She sounded it, too. Her tribute to The Sound of Music got her a standing O and she deserved it. She looked beautiful, she sounded beautiful and OMG she is engaged to Taylor Kinney, the hottest man on the TV show, Chicago Fire. It’s a good year for Gaga. So glad you took off the red rubber gloves for that number. Now, get those awful arm tattoos removed, girlfriend!
Glory performance and equal rights speech. Yes, yes and yes.
Womens’ rights revival. Looks like women in Hollywood are bucking back against the usual state of affairs: wage and other inequality. Glad to see them speaking out.
If anything else happened, I wouldn’t know. I fell asleep from boredom.
Note to Oscars producers: invest in some good writing talent. My dog’s available. And could write better gags.