The trouble with Alzheimer’s tests

October 14, 2015

for retirees, that is. For retirees.

Tests for dementia traditionally ask certain questions, such as “Who is the president of the United States?”, “Who is the vice president of the United States?”

Ok, if you answer Lyndon Johnson or George Bush, there’s a problem. I’ll buy that. Those questions are trying to determine if you are oriented to the current time and place.

But, how about “What is today’s date?” or “What day of the week is it?” I would submit that for many retirees, the day of the week is irrelevant information. This became all too clear when I took an oral test for the Alzheimer’s study I’m in.

Most days are exactly the same for those of us who have no need to be driven by a calendar. We don’t work, take kids to soccer or do all that much that requires us to know the date.

I do not always know the date. Or the day of the week. Is that a sign of dementia? Or of my current lifestyle?

How many true retirees have to be oriented to the current date or day? Very few. So I think those aren’t the best questions for those of us in the target age group for dementia.

Of course, I have a better test and I’m hoping Alzheimer’s studies will adopt it. And here it is:

Carol’s Alzheimer Test

Who is the Real Housewife currently in jail for financial shenanigans, which state is she from and what is the name of her bratty, precocious eldest daughter? Teresa Giudice, New Jersey, Gia

What is the name of the President of the U.S. on the TV show, Scandal, and who did he smother with a pillow?  Fitz Grant smothered the chief justice of the Supreme Court in her hospital bed.

How did Frances Underwood, the character, played by Kevin Spacey in House of Cards kill his obnoxious former lover?  Threw her in front of a train.

Grey’s Anatomy features a couple of doctor nicknames that begin with “Mc”. Name two.  McSteamy, McDreamy

What emaciated actress married to an actor who way hot when he made his screen debut in Thelma and Louise but not so much now has an addiction to…adopting children from Third World countries. (Yeah, you thought I was going to say heroin, right?)  Angelina Jolie

What pretty-boy actor with a political bent who is rumored to be a closeted gay swore he’d never get married and then married a lawyer who resembles a tranny?  George Clooney

What famous athlete has a television program documenting his transition from male to female?  The woman formerly known as Bruce Jenner, now known as Caitlynn.

What wild child daughter of a country star started as a young, wholesome actress and has now become a singer more famous for her out-of-control antics than her music? Miley Cyrus.

What blowhard business man/reality TV star with a penchant for Eastern European women has made a seriously crazy run for president? Donald Trump

What political party has lost its credibility among intelligent people because it’s dominated by far right-wing zealots who would rather shut down the government than compromise?  Republican Party.

Don’t you think this would be a far better Alzheimer’s test for retirees?

How did you do?

19 comments on “The trouble with Alzheimer’s tests
  1. ryder ziebarth says:

    I’ve herniated a disc and it hurts to laugh but, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!

  2. May says:

    Yay! According to your test I don’t have Alzheimer’s! Now if you ask me the date on any given day…Not sure!

  3. Anna Palmer says:

    I kicked ass on your test. I would also add that George has recently split from his beard. I am not retired but still don’t know the day of the week, except wednesday our dreaded family game night. Love this!

  4. I didn’t think that Zoe was obnoxious!

  5. Oh, thank God I don’t have Alzheimer’s! What day is it again?

  6. Ruth Curran says:

    This is one of those pieces that needs this: “WARNING. Don’t drink coffee (or any other hot beverage) while taking this test!” Took me completely by surprise and I am afraid I burned the hairs in my nose :)! You crack me up! And yep, most days I have to check my phone to find out the day or date!

  7. Linda Hobden says:

    Erm … I’d probably fail both tests as I often wake up on a Friday thinking it’s Saturday & the weekend and whilst on holiday days tend to flow into each other. Also, apart from perhaps the Angelina Jolie question, I haven’t got a clue who you’re talking about!! My defence though I am in the UK & rarely watch telly! My dad has severe early onset dementia and when it started to really take hold the only word he ever said was “bowls” everything was “bowls”! A cup, pen, TV, even my mum was called Bowls! not quite sure why he settled for that word but at least it isn’t a more embarrassing word … can you imagine it?!

  8. I don’t know if I should be relieved or scared that I know all the answers. I read something this morning that said that Caitlyn was tired of being a woman. Wonder if it’s true.

  9. Tammy says:

    Absolutely! Loved this. Especially loved the House of Cards reference. Buahahahaha. Half the time I have no clue what day it is…just saying.

  10. Ha! Too funny! Based on this test, I’m definitely envisioning issues ahead, for myself and my caretaker-to-be husband.

    I’m off to watch television and get caught up before it’s too late!

  11. Carolann says:

    LOL some funny stuff for sure. It’s good to laugh!

  12. Mimi says:

    Fantastic! We just need a Grit version now. Can I?

  13. Mimi says:

    Fantastic! Just need a Brit version now. Can I?

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