After my sleep apnea study at the Discomfort Inn (which I wrote about here) I had a Zoom to go over results with the sleep neurologist. Here is how that went:
HIM You have mild to moderate sleep apnea. You only slept 4 hours and during that time you stopped breathing twice, had 74 partial reductions in airflow and woke yourself up 19 times struggling to breathe.
ME I was aware of none of that. I guess that’s why I get poor sleep.
HIM If you slept on your side this wouldn’t happen. You wouldn’t have apnea.
ME. I sleep on my side!
HIM. Not once.
ME Because I was afraid of dislodging all those wires attached to my head with globs of glue.
HIM Good point.
ME Could you give me a device that would force me to sleep on my side?
HIM There IS a garment that does that.
ME Does it come with a Book of Mormon?
HIM No, it doesn’t. But. You don’t need a CPAP machine, as it’s mild, you can qualify for a retainer appliance called a mandibular advancement device.
ME I thought you told me last month that those were not compatible with my Invisalign retainer.
HIM I think they might be. Call your dentist and then round back with me.
ME And what if they are not compatible?
HIM (pulls out blue hose with nasal cannulas) You would have to wear this.
ME So how does it work?
HIM What’s the biggest thing in your mouth?
ME (deadpan) Ever?
(yes, may God strike me dead, I couldn’t resist it, I couldn’t)
HIM (also deadpan) If you have to get a CPAP you’d come back here to get fitted. You can come and do another overnight–oh, i see you shaking your head, so that must be a ‘no’.
ME I’ll do it at the Ritz but I am NOT coming back to sleep at the DisComfort Inn.
HIM Oh, good one! Well, we can do a home study to set the software.
ME Yes, we’ll do that. So is that what it looks like? Blue?
HIM No, men get blue with a black machine and women get pink with a white machine that has flowers on it.
ME That’s a joke, right?
HIM No–they’re different machines by gender because men and women breathe differently, chest movement, muscle etc.
ME So what do you do in this nonbinary world?
(Again, may God strike me dead, I am a terrible patient)
HIM That’s a good question.
ME So transgender women must get blue hose with black machines.
HIM Yes and transgender men get the pink and white with flowers.
ME OK, then, glad we cleared that up. I’ll call my dentist and then round back to you.
So stay tuned, more to come.