You’d think that the ability to be there for a loved one who’s sick would be natural. Turns out, it is a rarer skill than we’d like it to be.
I know a little about this, mainly because I spent more than a decade being there for people with HIV through an amazing organization called the Aris Project that was active during the height of the AIDs epidemic. As a volunteer, I went through a two weekend training that changed my life. And amped up my ability to be there for people in need.
My late friend often said that she wished some of her other friends would provide the same kind of support I did. That’s because I didn’t push talk her to talk about her illness or cancer . I was light, but not too light. We were thousands of miles apart, so our communication was texts, calls, emails.
I knew her sense of humor, so I would text her diverting memes. Ridiculous cat memes were a favorite. I was present, but not pushy. I didn’t ask about her cancer or constantly want a health update. I let her decide what she wanted to tell me about it. More often than not our conversations were about family, politics, travel. I sent little gifts. A pad of drawing paper. a little hat. A stuffed llama.
So here’s how to be there for someone who is sick:
Let them drive. Sometimes we push ourselves on people who are sick. We’re well-meaning. We think we know what they want. But really, we don’t know. So, let them set the tone. Let them tell you what they want.
Ask. Do not expect them to ask you for help. Offer tangible support. “I’d like to bring you some chicken soup, would that be ok?” “Do you need me to go to the grocery store for you this week?” “Can I do your laundry?” Be as specific as possible. Because people usually do not want to impose.
Stay light but don’t make light of their situation.
Be present. Let them know you are there. Texts. Cards. Emails. Phone calls.
Offer tangible support. Be helpful and anticipate the ways. Sweep or shovel the walk. Start the car.
Do not expect them to call on you. Or even call you.
Can you add anything to my list?
And don’t forget our gentle, supportive healing tools in my Etsy shop.