Talking to someone who was all doom and gloom about a serious situation in their life, I suggested, “Maybe you could change your internal conversation to increase your odds of a better outcome. Because often, what we think is what happens.”
“Oh,” they said. “I can’t do that.”
I asked if it was because they were lugubrious by nature. The response?
“Probably.” Hard stop.
When you view the world through a dark lens, there really is no way out. Unless you’re willing to change the lens. If you aren’t, well, best of luck to you.
I am not a great support to people who want to wallow. Holding space for people to have their doom and gloom feelings has an expiration date for me. At some point I want to encourage them to find a different way. In those cases, though, it’s wasted breath. It never ends well.
So many people I know back in my hometown come at their lives with “all the reasons why I shouldn’t.” They are not only unwilling to change their internal conversation, they refuse to. Heels dug in.
I find this so puzzling.
Why would you not be open to something new? A different way of looking at a situation? Or especially to a positive outcome?
What if things actually worked out?
They’re people who prefer to wallow in the negative rather than hear about another way. Just not interested. Because wallowing is comfortable. It’s what they’ve always known. It hasn’t worked for them, but it’s familiar and the familiar is oh-so-comfortable. Even in its discomfort.
And that’s really the point. This is where they live. They know the landscape. And they’re not into adventure.
So how do you deal with that kind of person?
The answer is, “at your own risk. And theirs.”
Those that allow them to wallow (and even drown) are considered “supportive.”
Those who eventually suggest a way out, are not.
I don’t see this as much in my California friends as I do in the small, western NY city I grew up in. Not everyone is like that, but a good many people I know there, are. When I moved away to sunnier climes I noticed when in my hometown, many walked around with frowns and unhappy faces. I wondered if it was because the winters were so damn cold. Oh, how they hate winter. So maybe that’s it.
And a word about trauma.
Many of us have been traumatized at some point in our lives. Some more deeply than others. It’s not a contest–it’s a challenge to find a healthy way to manage life around that traumatization. To change your internal conversation.
Is it therapy? Meds? Meditation? Yoga? Somewhere, there’s a way that works for them. For everyone. It’s just not the same for everyone.
I’m wondering what YOU think about this situation. Because I know you have an opinion. Would love to hear it in the Comments.
Meanwhile, if you haven’t checked out the lovely gifts in my Etsy shop, I hope you will today at: https://www.etsy.com/shop/AHealingSpirit