Do something about disappearing desire

August 12, 2016

invite desire
I was in my mid-40s when I made an appointment with my GYN, with whom I had a great relationship.

“Something’s wrong,” I said. “My libido has completely disappeared. I have no desire.” That was a huge change for me and I was concerned.

It was then, and only then, that I learned about some of the ways peri-menopause could affect women.  Because no one in my mother’s generation passed this information down. Sure, I knew about menopause, but only because an aunt suffered from terrible and visible hot flashes. My mother simply slid through the ‘pauses without any obvious signs. Like I did. And she NEVER talked about sex. EVER.

I swore then that I’d talk to young women about these things so they’d be better prepared.

But my favorite midlife sex blogger, Walker Thornton, has gone a step further. She’s just published a slim volume with a month’s worth of beautiful and simple things women can do to rekindle desire in their lives.  Because for many women, libido flags. It just does. That’s reality. And it’s easy to lose sight of the pleasures of touch and sex in the course of every day life, whether you’re over 45 or a young mom with way too much to do.



The book is Inviting Desire: a guide for women who want to enhance their sex life, by Walker Thornton and it’s good. Very good. It’s not about reversing the aging process or reinventing how we look. Thank God. It’s about the reality of waning sexuality for many women  — and how to enrich post-partum, busy mom, midlife and senior sex life. Even if you’re single. That’s right. Even if you’re single!  She says it’s a book about self-love and respect, and she’s right.

Desire can be tricky at this stage of life. It’s not that hormone-laden thing it once was for many of us. But really, desire can be tricky at any age, and that’s the truth. So this book isn’t just for us older folk.

What I love about Walker’s book is that it’s realistic and she gets right to the point. She talks about what can happen to women’s sexuality in this stage of life (or with chemo or for any reason) and then gives easy-to-follow exercises, imagery and activities all meant to invite desire back into our lives.  She says it’s written as a 30-day journey,but that readers might want to spend more time on a particular activity. I can’t say enough about how easy and lovely the activities are and also how effective. They’re not “hang from the chandeliers” suggestions, either. There’s plenty that women who are a little shy about sex can do without feeling self-conscious.

But of course, Walker is a sex-positive writer who sees sexuality as a healthy and important part of life.

Inviting Desire is available on Amazon and would make a great gift for yourself. Because gifts we give ourselves are some of the most important of all.  And the gift of re-inviting desire back into your life has a great aftereffect, doesn’t it?

For the right midlife book group, it might make a great selection just for the discussion alone. Yes, I did say the “right” book group.

So do yourself a favor. Head right over to Amazon and pick up this little book. Your life will be enriched.

36 comments on “Do something about disappearing desire
  1. ryder ziebarth says:

    Thanks for this, Carol. In truth, it’s my husband I feel sorry for. He just does not understand at all, what has happened to me. My lack of desire coincides with thinning walls and tremendous pain. Dilators and oral hormones and vaginally inserted estrogen have not helped, so I do everything ELSE I can to help HIM enjoy sex. But it’s me he wants back in the picture. I will give this book a try. Bless you!

  2. It never even occurred to me to have this as a book club selection. I would have to create a special book club, as my current one is not ‘the right one’ as you say. But, hey, since our Mom’s never told us about much of anything having to do with sex (translate ‘nothing’) this is bona fide great idea…and maybe a sex book club! Why not?

  3. Leanne says:

    Well it’s a vast improvement on everyone recommending 50 shades of grey! and probably a lot more useful in the long run. Great review Carol.

  4. Sometimes life just gets so complicated! Walker is wonderful, I’m so glad she is helping women enjoy sex!

  5. Yvonne Wray says:

    Carol, Thank you for a review that sheds positive light on women who want to pursue pleasure and make it a possibility for others too. I believe the women who actively reach for a gratifying sensual life make life more enjoyable for all. Congratulations on your book, Walker.

  6. Jennifer says:

    Thanks Carol. It’s amazing how much havoc menopause has caused in my mind and body. This looks like a book I need to have.

  7. Laurie Stone says:

    I’m about to turn 60 and strangely my libido has been on overdrive lately. Have no idea why. But its nice.

  8. First off, I must say I love your description of Walker as a “sex-positive writer.” I haven’t heard that description before but I think we need more folks in that genre.

    Sounds like super book for women of all ages. I’d like to say I’m hip and open enough to purchase it for each of my daughters but I’ll stick with just getting a copy for myself.

    • Lisa, I hadn’t heard the term “sex-positive” before I started attending sexuality conferences–it really means that we’re open to all expressions of sexuality.. For me it’s also about embracing sexual freedom for older adults.

      It’s a very gentle book; I think you’d all feel comfortable with it. I remember the time I bought my young adults sons the book, She Comes First….. that might have been a bit awkward!

  9. I am intrigued Carol and will check out this book. Good that someone is addressing this unspoken malady

  10. Lori says:

    I will have to mention it to my book club.

  11. angie says:

    wow sounds like a great read for the privacy that we have

  12. Nikita says:

    Looks like lovely book. And great review + personal experience. Thanks for it.

  13. Walker is so empowering on this subject, and I can’t wait to read her book. It sounds great!

  14. SuE says:

    This sounds like a book all women should read. It can be very confusing and frustrating when your desire seems to have waned. Many women don’t like to discuss the subject but sex is a healthy part of life. Thanks for the review I’m checking out Amazon. I shared on my Sizzling Towards 60 FBpage ????

  15. i am going to check this out. Thanks for sharing this important post, for all of us!

  16. Tap says:

    I understand same thing happened to me post chem…. i will check out the book… hope it helps…

  17. Mary Burris says:

    I sure wish I had something like this around while I was going through the ‘pause. I’ll have to pick up a few copies and gift them to my nieces.

  18. Vyjay says:

    This is a candid post and the book seems to be an answer to many questions that women have and have not asked or afraid to ask.

  19. Elizabeth O. says:

    I’m glad you’re talking about this because not a lot of women are comfortable with sharing their experiences when it comes to sex or lack thereof. I think it’s nice to have a book that women can rely on, especially when it comes to these things.

  20. Sounds like a good book with lots of great advice, suggestions and tips. I have a while to go before menopause but I have not actually read a blog post on this topic, and I dont usually see posts on women’s sexuality at this point in their lives. I think it is great to bring awareness and start conversations.

  21. Crystal Gard says:

    Glad there is something out there to help through lifes changes

  22. Hi Carol,
    Thank you for recommending the book. As some people have commented, great for midlifers.
    Thanks for bringing your review to the Blogger’s Pit Stop last week.
    Janice, Pit Stop Crew

  23. Frances D says:

    I’m buying a couple of copies to send to friends as just cuz gifts.

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