These days, I find myself increasing critical of those with whom I spend my time. Critical, not in the fault-finding sense, but in the “assessment” sense.
I’m not sure what stars are misaligned at present, but I’ve been seeing a lot of unpleasant behavior among some of the people in my sphere. My bullshiz detector is EXCELLENT and it’s been pinging big-time lately.
Have you ever spent a day with someone who talks incessantly about themselves, but never once asks how YOU are? And even if you interject a comment un-related to them, within seconds they’ll say “But back to….” and that’s back to themselves.
Or how about the acquaintance who calls at the last minute to ask a favor that would inconvenience you, but never really asks, just hints around and then says “never mind….” without really telling you what the never mind was about?
How about people who don’t respond to texts, emails, calls or gifts? Who seem constitutionally unable to say thank you?
And even those who come into your company in a vile mood and stay that way?
Or those who think that anything they do or have done is bigger, better and not as significant, and oh-by-the-way, they know everything as well.
And even one day after I scheduled this post, I got a call from someone who wanted to scam us for something but tried to disguise it as a get-together. No, no and…no. Even more aggravating? It was the third “scam” they’d tried on us in three days. And they aren’t even a close friend.
Self-centered behavior is running rampant in my little world and to be honest, I’m tired of it. My dilemma is that some of my very closest friends are scattered across the country and even the globe, offering few opportunities for a real sit-down in person, and I’m just old-school enough to need that every once in a while.
I have to think that the Universe is asking me to clean house, to limit my normally generous and initiating behavior. To be more discriminating how I spend my time.
Maybe the Universe is asking me to spend more time alone and writing.
So, today, I’m asking, what do you think the message could be?
I think as we age, we have less tolerance for BS. Sometimes, tho, I feel I have committed some of those crimes. I wonder if I sat opposite myself in a conversation, how I would appear to others. Maybe the no-it-all type! My daughter says I constantly interrupt her, and others. Oops! Over anxious to share, is how I see it. Others most likely think I am just plain rude. I do find I have less tolerance for “bad behavior” from friends–gossips, nay sayers and self- prompters. I get more and more quiet as the conversation goes on. And the more I write, the more I am interested in people with a broader outlook on life. Our friendship needs should change as we age. We have less time now to goof around with goofballs.
I love your comment, Ryder. I feel the same way. I definitely have less patience for certain people now. I don’t like to be around people who are know-it-alls or tend to be negative. I do close up and back away from those people.
Like Ryder, I wonder what it would be like to sit opposite me in a conversation. My first reaction is a wince. I need to STFU and listen better. Stop multi-tasking and attend to the other person. But enough about me…you asked what all this means in your life.
Oh, this is a hard thing to manage. I need to take care of myself first (putting the oxygen mask on myself first before assisting another passenger). Then I also like to hang out with generous, wise, grounded people. But then again, I recognize that “hurt people hurt people.” I benefit so much when people show me compassion when I’m throwing off negative energy in one way or another. But I also recognize that people need to put up boundaries if they have a lot going on and don’t really have time or energy for my BS. What to do? What to do? The answer changes every day and with every exchange that I have with other people. All my best to you as you find your path. Today. (And I like it when you retreat from in-person friendships and write, because that is a venue where I connect with you! Works for me.)
this is a great post!! your part about the thank you really really gets me. How hard it is to say thank you?! for many people, it never occurs to them to say thank you, send a note or even a text. i’m distancing myself from many ppl bc i find their lack of empathy and constant BS just sad. if they need to concentrate on themselves, then that’s fine and awesome for them.
The universe is saying look out for you and those who look out for you. everyone else will just have to find their way all by themselves without you.
I agree with you. A group of friends and I were just talking about this yesterday over lunch. We were wondering if it’s because social media has gotten us in the habit of saying, Look at me! Look what I’m doing! I did this and that. I’m not sure people even realize the shift, but it does make me avoid certain people who do this. Just to keep my sanity.
Oh boy, can I ever relate to this post! I have felt that way for awhile now. I think social media does have something to do with it. It’s so much easier to post on there rather than actually make the effort to visit or call someone or send them an actual card or letter in the mail. Instant gratification. Well, it doesn’t gratify me anymore. At first I thought social media contact was great. People from all over the country and the world were right there to converse with. But it’s getting so many people have forgotten how to have a real conversation. They are distanced from reality, manners have taken a dive, and so on. I did a similar thing several years ago and then again this year—I did some house cleaning of sorts. I stopped doing the things I really didn’t want to do. I started saying no to people if I really didn’t want to get together with them. I distanced myself from people I really didn’t care to spend time with. It’s refreshing and unsettling at the same time, I admit. But I’m getting to be more of a loner again. I tried the social butterfly thing and it’s just not me. I love to write. I love my alone time. I should celebrate it instead of thinking there’s something wrong with it.
Perhaps the message is it’s time to cut some of those dead beats out of your life. We are all guilty of some of those behavours, but when it’s constant, it may be time to cut them loose. I’d also spend more time in nature to calm your perpective…that’s what I have to do.
Hi Carol! I know what you mean about how some people seem obsessed with themselves and clueless about anyone else. But if I step back and take the “spiritual” approach–especially when it comes from LOA or Science of Mind or some of the others, it is usually the awareness that others are merely a reflection of ME!!! I know, I know….not an easy concept to embrace or even helpful when we are feeling the sting on others ingratitude. But because I deeply believe that everything happens for a purpose and that everything I give out comes back to me–without exception–I can’t ignore that idea. So any time I am feeling like something is out of whack…I first throw a little pity-party and then I look to myself as cause. It works for me. Okay, so maybe that wasn’t what you asked in your post so please feel free to ignore my comment!!!! ~Kathy
I think it’s a different perspective and a good one. I almost always do a self-scan in situations like this and I also run it by my husband for an honest, outside perspective. My belief is that we are put in situations to learn and sometimes that lesson has to do with setting limits for ourselves. Sometimes, though, it IS about accepting responsibility. But not all the time. Thanks for a different view on the subject and making me think about it further.
Good topic. Hard for me to read because I am guilty of this. When I do climb out of my self-imposed writerly solitude I nearly always put on a chipper mask and talk about what I am doing. Market, market, market. I think we writers who now have to be marketers, marketers, marketers – all the time – in addition to personal social media use – can lose track of what it means to just be without being “on.” I know I do. I am lost in a world of personal heart ache and when I can actually work on my business of writing I am out to accomplish very specific things and I lose track of listening to others from a truly personal place.
Yes, sometimes it is so hard to break out of work mode. At the same time, those who love us really want to share our personhood back and forth, rather than business, that’s my thought.
You are very fortunate to have many people who love you with whom you can share. Other people may not have that and not even know how to act in the way you want them to. I know I am still discovering ways I piss off people without even knowing I am. I appreciate people telling me what I’m doing wrong from their perspective.
Oh, Carol. As you can see from all these lengthy posts, we are all experiencing some form of this. A friend of mine recently told a story about how she has had to tell her college friends that if they can’t stop being mean and start being nice to each other she may have to stop these get-togethers after 40 years!
I so agree that often we are confronted with people in pain and so they make us crazy. But I also think that as mid-life women we’ve begun to say “enough!” As for me, I’m getting pretty good at 2 things, calling you out on your crap or removing myself from you if you are toxic. That’s what mid-life magic has done for me.
I am probably the last person who should be commenting because:
1. With my background in Psychology and Crisis Intervention, I am a trained listener.
2. As a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, I am a trained listener.
3. I feel as though I am here to serve and in doing so I usually put myself last.
However, as I grown older, I realize I have to take care of my “star player” (me) and if I don’t, I’m not much good to anyone else. I’ve started to do that and I like it, even though my daughter tells me, “Mom, you’ve lost your filter.” Right! I speak more now than I did in my earlier years but at the same time, I don’t what to become the person you describe. I’m working on me and hoping to find the right balance. I don’t want conversations to be just about them or me, but about us.
As for what’s going on in the Universe, Venus has been retrograde since 25 July and is about to leave that position on September 6th. That’s affected all kinds of relationships.
I have been guilty of some of these on occassion. My natural inclination is to find common ground with a person. But sometimes a person really is not asking to hear about my experience. At least I now see this in myself. It’s one of the benefits of becoming older & wiser – seeing myself more clearly and taking others less seriously when needed.
“Have you ever spent a day with someone who talks incessantly about themselves, but never once asks how YOU are?” Yepper, all the time. I turn it into a game – how many times can they turn the conversation back to them – each time, take a drink. There are conversations when I end up downright drunk!
This kind of behaviour is so prevalent in the plus size blogger community at the moment. I think the universe is telling us that everyone’s stories are important to them and it’s our choice to be a part of it or not. Unfortunately it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and sometimes we need to fight fire with fire – kill em with kindness!
I am so with you. I seem to have very little tolerance these days, and I’m pretty sick of myself on social media as well. In real life, I try to listen more than talk because I have really had enough of self-promotion, although it seems to be a necessary evil. I’m not sure what the answer is.
Hmm. Mercury must be in retrograde or something. One of the other Friday sharing posts is titled something like “8 Types of People who Annoy Me” and there’s a marked congruence with your list! My reaction to the other post was—Yes, yes, yes! So, your list is equally compelling. I agree that as we age, we become aware that time is a limited commodity, so our patience for BS declines. Either that, or menopause makes us crankier. 😉
Once again, Carol you have hit the nail on the head! It seems most people are so wrapped up in their own daily drama they can’t see beyond their small part of our world. I have a few people like that in my life, one, I have dropped completely, another one as soon as they start talking about themselves I tell them my other line is ringing, and the rest of them, I ignore.
I could not agree with this post more! I am finding that the older I get, the more selective I am with my friends. When I meet other women that only stick around to use me as a silent sound board, I realize who my real friends are – those who want to share and love and help together!
And here I thought that there was something wrong with me for feeling this way, Carol! Your post resonated with me completely and I enjoyed reading the varied comments.
OMG I hear you on this one loud and clear. I can’t even begin to tell you the folks I know that do this. You are lucky to get in one sentence about yourself. I agree…I don’t know what’s going on with people lately…maybe it’s not just lately either. Great post and right on Carol!
[…] Enough About Me, my recent post on the epidemic if self-centered behavior really struck a chord with readers. It turns out that I’m not alone in noticing that so many have lost their ability to look outside themselves. […]
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I think as we age, we have less tolerance for BS. Sometimes, tho, I feel I have committed some of those crimes. I wonder if I sat opposite myself in a conversation, how I would appear to others. Maybe the no-it-all type! My daughter says I constantly interrupt her, and others. Oops! Over anxious to share, is how I see it. Others most likely think I am just plain rude. I do find I have less tolerance for “bad behavior” from friends–gossips, nay sayers and self- prompters. I get more and more quiet as the conversation goes on. And the more I write, the more I am interested in people with a broader outlook on life. Our friendship needs should change as we age. We have less time now to goof around with goofballs.
I love your comment, Ryder. I feel the same way. I definitely have less patience for certain people now. I don’t like to be around people who are know-it-alls or tend to be negative. I do close up and back away from those people.
Like Ryder, I wonder what it would be like to sit opposite me in a conversation. My first reaction is a wince. I need to STFU and listen better. Stop multi-tasking and attend to the other person. But enough about me…you asked what all this means in your life.
I think it’s about housecleaning.
Oh, this is a hard thing to manage. I need to take care of myself first (putting the oxygen mask on myself first before assisting another passenger). Then I also like to hang out with generous, wise, grounded people. But then again, I recognize that “hurt people hurt people.” I benefit so much when people show me compassion when I’m throwing off negative energy in one way or another. But I also recognize that people need to put up boundaries if they have a lot going on and don’t really have time or energy for my BS. What to do? What to do? The answer changes every day and with every exchange that I have with other people. All my best to you as you find your path. Today. (And I like it when you retreat from in-person friendships and write, because that is a venue where I connect with you! Works for me.)
I love this comment. Lots to think about in it… And thank you!
this is a great post!! your part about the thank you really really gets me. How hard it is to say thank you?! for many people, it never occurs to them to say thank you, send a note or even a text. i’m distancing myself from many ppl bc i find their lack of empathy and constant BS just sad. if they need to concentrate on themselves, then that’s fine and awesome for them.
The universe is saying look out for you and those who look out for you. everyone else will just have to find their way all by themselves without you.
Lack of empathy–YES.
I agree with you. A group of friends and I were just talking about this yesterday over lunch. We were wondering if it’s because social media has gotten us in the habit of saying, Look at me! Look what I’m doing! I did this and that. I’m not sure people even realize the shift, but it does make me avoid certain people who do this. Just to keep my sanity.
Interesting that you are also noticing it. Social media may well have something to do with it–hadn’t thought of that.
Oh boy, can I ever relate to this post! I have felt that way for awhile now. I think social media does have something to do with it. It’s so much easier to post on there rather than actually make the effort to visit or call someone or send them an actual card or letter in the mail. Instant gratification. Well, it doesn’t gratify me anymore. At first I thought social media contact was great. People from all over the country and the world were right there to converse with. But it’s getting so many people have forgotten how to have a real conversation. They are distanced from reality, manners have taken a dive, and so on. I did a similar thing several years ago and then again this year—I did some house cleaning of sorts. I stopped doing the things I really didn’t want to do. I started saying no to people if I really didn’t want to get together with them. I distanced myself from people I really didn’t care to spend time with. It’s refreshing and unsettling at the same time, I admit. But I’m getting to be more of a loner again. I tried the social butterfly thing and it’s just not me. I love to write. I love my alone time. I should celebrate it instead of thinking there’s something wrong with it.
I so get the unsettling part.
Perhaps the message is it’s time to cut some of those dead beats out of your life. We are all guilty of some of those behavours, but when it’s constant, it may be time to cut them loose. I’d also spend more time in nature to calm your perpective…that’s what I have to do.
Yes, my week in Maui helped ..this post was written prior.
Getting out in nature is a wonderful refresher for me, too!
Hi Carol! I know what you mean about how some people seem obsessed with themselves and clueless about anyone else. But if I step back and take the “spiritual” approach–especially when it comes from LOA or Science of Mind or some of the others, it is usually the awareness that others are merely a reflection of ME!!! I know, I know….not an easy concept to embrace or even helpful when we are feeling the sting on others ingratitude. But because I deeply believe that everything happens for a purpose and that everything I give out comes back to me–without exception–I can’t ignore that idea. So any time I am feeling like something is out of whack…I first throw a little pity-party and then I look to myself as cause. It works for me. Okay, so maybe that wasn’t what you asked in your post so please feel free to ignore my comment!!!! ~Kathy
I think it’s a different perspective and a good one. I almost always do a self-scan in situations like this and I also run it by my husband for an honest, outside perspective. My belief is that we are put in situations to learn and sometimes that lesson has to do with setting limits for ourselves. Sometimes, though, it IS about accepting responsibility. But not all the time. Thanks for a different view on the subject and making me think about it further.
Good topic. Hard for me to read because I am guilty of this. When I do climb out of my self-imposed writerly solitude I nearly always put on a chipper mask and talk about what I am doing. Market, market, market. I think we writers who now have to be marketers, marketers, marketers – all the time – in addition to personal social media use – can lose track of what it means to just be without being “on.” I know I do. I am lost in a world of personal heart ache and when I can actually work on my business of writing I am out to accomplish very specific things and I lose track of listening to others from a truly personal place.
Yes, sometimes it is so hard to break out of work mode. At the same time, those who love us really want to share our personhood back and forth, rather than business, that’s my thought.
You are very fortunate to have many people who love you with whom you can share. Other people may not have that and not even know how to act in the way you want them to. I know I am still discovering ways I piss off people without even knowing I am. I appreciate people telling me what I’m doing wrong from their perspective.
Oh honey, do not ever assume. One never knows what goes on in others’ personal lives….
Oh, Carol. As you can see from all these lengthy posts, we are all experiencing some form of this. A friend of mine recently told a story about how she has had to tell her college friends that if they can’t stop being mean and start being nice to each other she may have to stop these get-togethers after 40 years!
I so agree that often we are confronted with people in pain and so they make us crazy. But I also think that as mid-life women we’ve begun to say “enough!” As for me, I’m getting pretty good at 2 things, calling you out on your crap or removing myself from you if you are toxic. That’s what mid-life magic has done for me.
Mid-life magic, it is, too!
I am probably the last person who should be commenting because:
1. With my background in Psychology and Crisis Intervention, I am a trained listener.
2. As a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, I am a trained listener.
3. I feel as though I am here to serve and in doing so I usually put myself last.
However, as I grown older, I realize I have to take care of my “star player” (me) and if I don’t, I’m not much good to anyone else. I’ve started to do that and I like it, even though my daughter tells me, “Mom, you’ve lost your filter.” Right! I speak more now than I did in my earlier years but at the same time, I don’t what to become the person you describe. I’m working on me and hoping to find the right balance. I don’t want conversations to be just about them or me, but about us.
As for what’s going on in the Universe, Venus has been retrograde since 25 July and is about to leave that position on September 6th. That’s affected all kinds of relationships.
I have been guilty of some of these on occassion. My natural inclination is to find common ground with a person. But sometimes a person really is not asking to hear about my experience. At least I now see this in myself. It’s one of the benefits of becoming older & wiser – seeing myself more clearly and taking others less seriously when needed.
“Have you ever spent a day with someone who talks incessantly about themselves, but never once asks how YOU are?” Yepper, all the time. I turn it into a game – how many times can they turn the conversation back to them – each time, take a drink. There are conversations when I end up downright drunk!
I hear you. I SO hear you. 🙁
This kind of behaviour is so prevalent in the plus size blogger community at the moment. I think the universe is telling us that everyone’s stories are important to them and it’s our choice to be a part of it or not. Unfortunately it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and sometimes we need to fight fire with fire – kill em with kindness!
Lottie xx
http://www.lottielamour.co.uk
I am so with you. I seem to have very little tolerance these days, and I’m pretty sick of myself on social media as well. In real life, I try to listen more than talk because I have really had enough of self-promotion, although it seems to be a necessary evil. I’m not sure what the answer is.
Hmm. Mercury must be in retrograde or something. One of the other Friday sharing posts is titled something like “8 Types of People who Annoy Me” and there’s a marked congruence with your list! My reaction to the other post was—Yes, yes, yes! So, your list is equally compelling. I agree that as we age, we become aware that time is a limited commodity, so our patience for BS declines. Either that, or menopause makes us crankier. 😉
Once again, Carol you have hit the nail on the head! It seems most people are so wrapped up in their own daily drama they can’t see beyond their small part of our world. I have a few people like that in my life, one, I have dropped completely, another one as soon as they start talking about themselves I tell them my other line is ringing, and the rest of them, I ignore.
I could not agree with this post more! I am finding that the older I get, the more selective I am with my friends. When I meet other women that only stick around to use me as a silent sound board, I realize who my real friends are – those who want to share and love and help together!
And here I thought that there was something wrong with me for feeling this way, Carol! Your post resonated with me completely and I enjoyed reading the varied comments.
Well said and could not agree more!
OMG I hear you on this one loud and clear. I can’t even begin to tell you the folks I know that do this. You are lucky to get in one sentence about yourself. I agree…I don’t know what’s going on with people lately…maybe it’s not just lately either. Great post and right on Carol!
I hope that things get better for you in the coming days.