If there is a 12-step program for people addicted to buying quirky greeting cards, I need to know about it.

The kind of funny greeting cards that make me laugh are usually one off, but it’s equally possible that they confuse me. For sure they make me think of someone I’d love to send one to.

Sometimes those thoughts aren’t so nice.

So let’s take a tour through the cards that most recently caught my eye. I am certain there is at least one–and probably more–that you wish you could send someone.

When I saw the “get back to normal” card I really couldn’t think of anyone I’d want to send it to. That’s because I really like it when people are not normal. So the card I prefer would say Hope you never get back to normal! Or, and I just thought of this one: Maybe you should see a shrink for that.

This card is a universal. In fact, I can think of half a dozen people I would like to send it to right off the bat. But alas, they wouldn’t think it was funny. Because they need to chill the F*** out.

This is how I usually approach the shit that happens in my life. Well, ok, first there is a boatload of drama. But once I’m over that, I pretty much kick dirt on it and move along. That is exactly what I did when Michael and I split up all those decades ago. Which was why I had to really consider if it was smart to dig through all the dirt.

It was smart.  It was way smart. In case you’re wondering. But if you know him, you aren’t wondering at all about that. You’re wondering why we split up in the first place.

This is one of those cards that probably doesn’t apply to everyone, but if it applies to you, it would be worth getting.

And then there are the cards that you know simply do not apply to your generation any longer. Few women in my circle would still have bangs in 2024 and even fewer would consider it the first day of the rest of their life.  But the bad bangs thing? It applies to every young woman regardless of when they came up. Glad to see bad bangs are still an issue.

Of course they do. Real curves. As much as we try to redefine society’s concept of beauty, the same old stuff applies. Anyone over a size 8 and increasingly, over a size 2, is considered fat.  That’s because fashion is run by women-hating gay guys who think fashion only looks good on a hanger.

Ok, that’s not true. There are an equal number of women-hating women in fashion who look like hangers themselves.

In any case, unicorns do not have that problem, now, do they?

This one just cracked me up. In a big way. Because who on earth would have believed say, 20 years ago, that women in the 21st century would be getting BUTT IMPLANTS?  I can think of nothing less sexy than a great big fake butt, unless it’s great big fake breasts. Listen, if you come by your big butt honestly, like you were born with it? That’s great. Because I come by my big natural breasts honestly.   But this fake thing really bothers me.  I do love that snail, though.

Which brings me to this. Those of us who are inveterate list makers have probably always wanted to make a list like this. In fact, we have one, in our heads. Unless, of course, we look like hangers. I have never looked like a hanger and thank God for that.

Really, I have nothing to say about this because any smart woman would assess men the same way. The smug, self-satisfied look on the dog’s face is familiar to me…where have I seen it before? Oh yes, on RILEY’S face.

Well, I don’t promise any such thing. I mean, I didn’t have kids, so this just comes naturally to me. Right?

This is by far my very favorite card, so far. I love it beyond reason and can see so many situations in which it would apply. Which is the mark of a great greeting card.

Yes, my idea of funny greeting cards is a little…different. None of that obnoxious slapstick for me. Give me a good cuss word strategically placed any day.

If you agree, then I’ll be virtually sending this to you. Not to get all Sally Fields or anything. Hmm. Maybe that Sally Fields thing is a generational reference that younger people wouldn’t get.

Anyway, that’s it for today’s collection of funny greeting cards. Do you have a favorite of these or have you seen one that you absolutely couldn’t forget?