Greeting cards for obscure occasions

March 23, 2016

If there is a 12-step program for people addicted to buying quirky greeting cards, I need to know about it.

The kind of funny greeting cards that make me laugh are usually one off, but it’s equally possible that they confuse me. For sure they make me think of someone I’d love to send one to.

Sometimes those thoughts aren’t so nice.

So let’s take a tour through the cards that most recently caught my eye. I am certain there is at least one–and probably more–that you wish you could send someone.

When I saw the “get back to normal” card I really couldn’t think of anyone I’d want to send it to. That’s because I really like it when people are not normal. So the card I prefer would say Hope you never get back to normal! Or, and I just thought of this one: Maybe you should see a shrink for that.


This card is a universal. In fact, I can think of half a dozen people I would like to send it to right off the bat. But alas, they wouldn’t think it was funny. Because they need to chill the F*** out.

shiz ahpp kick dirtThis is how I usually approach the shit that happens in my life. Well, ok, first there is a boatload of drama. But once I’m over that, I pretty much kick dirt on it and move along. That is exactly what I did when Michael and I split up all those decades ago. Which was why I had to really consider if it was smart to dig through all the dirt.

It was smart.  It was way smart. In case you’re wondering. But if you know him, you aren’t wondering at all about that. You’re wondering why we split up in the first place.

walk fastThis is one of those cards that probably doesn’t apply to everyone, but if it applies to you, it would be worth getting.

funny-greeting-cardsAnd then there are the cards that you know simply do not apply to your generation any longer. Few women in my circle would still have bangs in 2024 and even fewer would consider it the first day of the rest of their life.  But the bad bangs thing? It applies to every young woman regardless of when they came up. Glad to see bad bangs are still an issue.


Of course they do. Real curves. As much as we try to redefine society’s concept of beauty, the same old stuff applies. Anyone over a size 8 and increasingly, over a size 2, is considered fat.  That’s because fashion is run by women-hating gay guys who think fashion only looks good on a hanger.

Ok, that’s not true. There are an equal number of women-hating women in fashion who look like hangers themselves.

In any case, unicorns do not have that problem, now, do they?

that assThis one just cracked me up. In a big way. Because who on earth would have believed say, 20 years ago, that women in the 21st century would be getting BUTT IMPLANTS?  I can think of nothing less sexy than a great big fake butt, unless it’s great big fake breasts. Listen, if you come by your big butt honestly, like you were born with it? That’s great. Because I come by my big natural breasts honestly.   But this fake thing really bothers me.  I do love that snail, though.

funny-greeting-cardsWhich brings me to this. Those of us who are inveterate list makers have probably always wanted to make a list like this. In fact, we have one, in our heads. Unless, of course, we look like hangers. I have never looked like a hanger and thank God for that.

funny-greeting-cardsReally, I have nothing to say about this because any smart woman would assess men the same way. The smug, self-satisfied look on the dog’s face is familiar to me…where have I seen it before? Oh yes, on RILEY’S face.

funny-greeting-cardsWell, I don’t promise any such thing. I mean, I didn’t have kids, so this just comes naturally to me. Right?

funny-greeting-cardsThis is by far my very favorite card, so far. I love it beyond reason and can see so many situations in which it would apply. Which is the mark of a great greeting card.

Yes, my idea of funny greeting cards is a little…different. None of that obnoxious slapstick for me. Give me a good cuss word strategically placed any day.


If you agree, then I’ll be virtually sending this to you. Not to get all Sally Fields or anything. Hmm. Maybe that Sally Fields thing is a generational reference that younger people wouldn’t get.

Anyway, that’s it for today’s collection of funny greeting cards. Do you have a favorite of these or have you seen one that you absolutely couldn’t forget?

10 comments on “Greeting cards for obscure occasions
  1. Barbara says:

    I do the same thing and with funny wall plaques and that sort of thing. Here at the beach, there are a multitude of places with great cards and I could spend hours there.
    My fave of yours is: And not a single Fuck was given that day!
    I was going to paste a pic of one you might like but it won’t let me. I’ll share it on fb.

  2. My husband always walks faster than I do! So funny.

  3. Nancy Hill says:

    A hippie-esque place I love to go for breakfast or lunch, totally Tucson, that is very close to my home, has the best little gift shop /card shop in the world. It is a total time suck! I walk in for breakfast, and end up walking out after lunch – because of the cards. Current favorite: Write drunk, edit sober.

  4. Kate Mayer says:

    Love shit happens, just kick dirt on it and move along! LOVE the penguin! Love your taste in appropriate greetings!

  5. I love these, Carol! The quirkier, the better, I say. And expletives DO have their place…Hope you’ll check out my Boomer Haiku line of cards–I’ll have the first batch at BAM.

  6. Alana says:

    Where do you buy these? Hysterical! I have a feeling it isn’t Hallmark….

  7. These are hilarious. And I hope to still have my bangs in 2024!

  8. roz warren says:

    I read this while working at the circulation desk and a patron came up and said “You look so happy! What are you smiling about?”

    Thanks for spreading smiles, Carol!

  9. Chill the fuck out is the best of all for me – but as you say, would be lost on all the potential recipients I know!

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