Yes, Virginia, some writers still draft in longhand.
Of course it was inevitable that my smart and funny husband would want to see my essay in the anthology, Dumped, Women Unfriending Women. What I didn’t expect was that he’d want to read the other essays. He told me he was curious about this “dumping” stuff and once he’d read a few of the essays, well, he had an opinion.
More than once I’ve suggested that he write a guest post for my blog. Until now, it’s been an exercise in futility.
Today, my blog belongs to my husband as he talks about the concept of guys dumping guys. As you read, be sure your tongue is inserted firmly in your cheek. Well, some of the time, anyway!
When Carol told me she had an essay included in the anthology, Dumped, I was anxious to read it. Once I did, I was curious about some of the other essays. So I read some of them. And then some more. I read essay after essay in which women described the agony and the angst of being dumped by women they’d considered their close friends.
The thing that struck me was that each essay described an experience that was totally alien to me. I have never felt that I was dumped by another guy. Girls? Yes. But not another guy.
You’ll note that I referred to another “guy.” I consider myself a “guy.” To understand what I mean by “guy” you have to understand that the male gender is subdivided into two types: men and guys. An excellent discussion of the distinction between men and guys appears in Dave Barry’s essay here.
Suffice it to say that men are either macho, “don’t worry little lady” types or sensitive, caring, mantra-chanting folks. Guys are all other males.
The following example illustrates the distinction. If a guy walks up to a male and says “How ya doin’?” and the response is either (a) “what business is it of yours?” or (b) “actually, I’ve gotten in touch with my inner spirit and I feel that I can fly,” the male is probably a man.
However, if the response is “Fine. How YOU doin’?” the male is probably another guy.
When a guy asks how someone is “doin’,” it’s just a greeting. He is not nosy, nor does he really care how the other person is doing. Which brings me to Dumped.
It seems that to be “dumped,” a person has to feel that he or she is in a relationship, one in which deeply personal feelings were shared and suddenly and without an apparent reason, that relationship is severed. That would never happen with guys.
If a guy ever shares a “feeling” with another male, it is “How do you feel about the Seahawks passing on the one yard line?” Or “Do you feel that the loss of Pablo will cripple the Giants?”
Back in his law school days and my grad school days, the question was “How ‘about them ‘Noles?”
If the male that you share these feelings with abruptly and without reason “dumps” you, odds are you don’t even notice until someone asks, “Where’s Barry? Didn’t you guys hang together?”
Most likely a guy’s response would be, “Jeez, come to think of it, I haven’t seen him in a while. Say, what d’ya think of the Warriors’ chances in the playoffs?”
In sum, a guy never suffers the angst and trauma of being “dumped” by another male because they never develop the intimate relationship needed for the dump. Guys truly live in the moment with other males. Each encounter is a distinct event and even if these events recur over a considerable period of time, the aggregate is never a “relationship,” just a series of events. When the series ends, it ends, no muss, no fuss.
My fun-loving and funny husband on a camel in Morocco a couple of years ago. Yeah, he’s a guy.
Ok. Now I get it. I could never understand my husband’s response to the question what’d you talk about with Matt for 36 holes of golf today? ” “Nothin.” Where as Carol and would have solved the problems of the world, and our marriages, menopause, woman’s rights,and global warming.
Thanks for the astute clarification. Well said. Or not said….
It’s so very real, isn’t it?
It was great to hear my husband is just one of the tribe!
Great insight into the male psyche. Thanks for giving a glimpse of your husband.
Janie, did you mean the photo? Which is one of the only ones he’ll let me use… Or did you mean inside his head, which is, well, a fascinating place! 😉
This did make me laugh and the quesiton a few things in my past. Firstly I also have never been dumped by a guy, only girls. Secondly when you say that “When a guy asks how someone is “doin’,” it’s just a greeting. He is not nosy, nor does he really care how the other person is doing.”
I class myself as a guy I am neither macho nor a hippy type, but when I asked my male friends how they are I generally mean it and want to know.
Nick, you may well be a hybrid, then!
My husband goes out to breakfast with his oldest son every week. Whenever I ask “Did you guys have a good talk?” I’m invariably sorry…I get a blow-by-blow about politics, the news, and work. And it’s always basically the same conversation, with the same point of view and the same opinions, repeated ad infinitum. No personal topics, ever. God. How do they stand the boredom?
You don’t want to hear my answer to that! I’ll give it to you when we meet up this month!
We do live in different worlds, don’t we? Looks like we women certainly know how to complicate our lives!
You’ve got to keep those note books ready, Carol – we’re expecting more from your ‘guy’! 🙂
Hope he is listening, I’d love to have more from him!
I’d have to say that we women can take a leaf out of a guy’s book – we should learn to live more in the moment!
Or to not take things so personally!
I can honestly say that I’ve never been dumped as a friend. I have, however, severed relationships with women (former) “friends” who were exhausting, because they either sucked my soul out with their neediness and stinginess or because the friendship wasn’t reciprocal. After the weeding out process, I now have a close group of amazing friends, all of whom know “of” each other, none of whom really know each other. I would make a terrible “guy” – I need deep, meaningful relationships with my friends.
I am the same way, Theresa.
Ha! But come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard my hubs use the word “feel” unless it was something like “feel her up.” Great post.
Haa, Kathleen! I smell potential dialogue here, maybe your next novel?
Thanks to you and your hubby for sharing this insightful post! I know there have been times I’ve questioned my hubby on how certain guy friends of his are doing – or I offer “comfort” when there’s been some kind of issue regarding one of them – and his response is usually, “It’s no big deal.” Now I understand!
😉 I’m so glad! LOL
Was enjoyable hearing your hubby’s take on things. I don’t think we will ever understand what goes on inside of the male mind, but it’s sure nice having them around 🙂
You got THAT right, Carolann!
First off, hello Carol’s husband! I know you must be a lawyer, the picture of your notes gave you away haha! Other than that I am traumatized by this!!! Carol, HELP! I think I may be a guy!!!!! I grew up with 4 brothers and this made perfect sense to me. I may never be the same! I may have to turn in my membership to WML!
Oh, Rena, you are so astute! but of course, you are a woman!
Through all the tongue-in-cheekiness, there’s a lot of truth in this brilliant explanation of males. The comments are just as much fun to read as the post.
Ah, jeez. I think I might be more of a guy than I ever thought. I’ve never suffered a dump from a girlfriend, but then again, I rarely get so involved or engaged in relationships to really run the risk. My closest friends are family (SILs, mostly) so there’s the family angle in there too. lol I don’t take very much personally. 🙂
Very true, thank you for sharing this with us and pretty cool how he guest posted. I love that idea. Thanks – Corey
I really enjoyed your husbands guest post and hope to read more posts in the future. I love the explanation of guys.
This was in all honesty one of the coolest posts I have read! It totally sucked me in. BTW GO NOLES! Kumbaya definitely had me giggle as we sang this song in Elementary school ha ha
Awesome insight. Don’t you think that there might be another group. The men that act like guys depending on the social setting?
Just a thought. And I ditto all comments encouraging your husband’s blogging career.
True, my husband has low contact and low expectations for his relationships with other men. He rarely even talks to his brothers, and they certainly don’t talk about feelings and all that. They mainly talk about hand-held electronics. I only have sisters, and I have some dynamic women friends, which sometimes means there’s drama. High contact, high expectations will do that.
It’s two completely different worlds. Very cool to hear a man’s perspective! I am also getting a kick out of the comments!
Hey, it’s all about priorities. And it sounds like guys prescribe heavily to one of the four agreements that reads, “Don’t take it personally.” Maybe guys=gurus?
You know what I’d so rather have friendships based on a mail’s perspective. I hate drama and women can be so full of it sometimes.
Can someone be between a guy and a man? I think it depends on the situation.
When it comes to dumping despite the fact that I am a woman I behave very much like a guy! So I guess that is why I get along with men so well!
Guys have it far easier than women when it comes to the whole friend thing. I do sometimes see drama/hear gossip, but it’s a lot rarer than with women, for sure. And hey, How ’bout them Cowboys? 🙂
I had my husband read this, and at the end he turned to me and said “exactly”. We both really enjoyed this – thanks for sharing your husband today!
As a “guy”…this is spot on. My wife didn’t understand it either. I shared this with her and she finally has an understanding. We both had a great read of this great blog post.
So let me get this straight. Men can not only pee standing up without fear of their urine ribbing into their shoes AND they don’t have to put up with this bullshit from other women? Maybe I do wish I was born a man.
I wanna be a guy.