When you don’t have kids, you focus on all the joys you’re missing. That first step. The cute things kids say. The prom pictures. Your child’s first day of college and first step into adulthood. You think of hugs and kisses. Walking down the aisle. Grandkids.
I didn’t have children and it’s been a yawing gap in my life for decades. It wasn’t in the cards for me and I accept that it wasn’t. But every so often, in the still, pre-dawn hours, I think about all that I have missed.
What I don’t think about is how much of a crap shoot raising a child is. How parents are not the only influence in a kid’s life. That there is nurture, but also nature, and peer pressure. In those dark hours of the morning, I never think about how easily a kid can go off course in directions that can cause irreparable damage or even kill them.
Drugs were part of our generation’s coming of age. Baby boomers who went to college “experimented” with drugs. We smoked pot, ate mushrooms, did ‘Ludes and maybe sucked on a psychedelic sugar cube or two.
For most of us, experimentation was as far as it got and that’s pretty much how many of us boomers think about drugs: relatively benign and part of coming-of-age.
But that was before drugs became orders of magnitude more destructive. Crack, meth, heroin, ecstasy. And the legal ones: Oxycontin. Adderall , Dilaudid. Methadone. Available to anyone with money and an internet connection–no doctor’s prescription needed.
Kids ingest these things in crazy combinations without any thought of their effect. What does a kid know about respiratory depression, seizures and brain damage?
Or about the curse of addiction?
I know a little about addiction, just a little, really: enough to know how destructive it can be to relationships of all kinds. I know the shock when an addicted adult can’t even pull themselves together for their own children, much less for their own happiness. I know a little about how parents persevere out of love and concern to support their addict-child. How disappointing it is to see their beloved offspring’s potential grayed out by the demon of drugs. And I’ve seen and heard the helplessness that goes along with that parental concern.
Despite a big handful of friends with more than a passing acquaintance with 12-step programs, it’s been hard for me to grasp the idea of addiction as a disease. When I was much younger, I had a six-month romance with cocaine. I loved it. When I saw that I was becoming a woman who loved too much, I stopped. Period.
For me drugs were relatively benign. But they’re not so benign for others and we don’t yet understand why.
For all these complex reasons, the story of the life and death of mommy-blogger Kate Granju’s son, Henry, has resonated deeply with me.
It’s a complicated story. It’s every parent’s nightmare. And yet, it’s a lesson, too, in a heartbreaking kind of way.
Henry was a beautiful boy, that’s clear from the photographs his mother posts. His dark eyes are riveting. Long dark brown hair framed his face and he seemed lit from within. In this photo, bare-chested, wearing a shell necklace, Henry is the epitome of “in the flush of youth.” He was much loved by his family and friends.
Henry died last year. He was 18. He was a drug addict.
His death was the result of a massive drug overdose and a brutal assault related to drugs. And his death was not a peaceful one.
You may wonder who has been charged with the crime. The answer is “no one.” His death, like so many other drug-related deaths, has been largely ignored by the Tennessee justice system. In fact, disturbingly, they’ve treated a recent case of animal cruelty more seriously. We are left with the assumption that the Knox County (TN) Sheriff’s office believes drug addicts are very low, indeed, and not deserving.
But despite every attempt to marginalize his life and his death, his mother perseveres. She is, after all, one of the most popular ‘mommy bloggers’ in the nation.
First, she grieved quietly and let justice take its course. But nine months later, the authorities had done little. So with the focus, persistence and love of a mother bear defending her cubs, Kate Granju has gone public with all she’s learned about her son’s attack and death.
She takes no pleasure in revealing the unsavory details, but neither does she hold back. I’m certain that like me, many readers were shocked to learn that drug dealers involve teenage addicts in prostitution to pay for drugs. Yes, even privileged youth from upper middle-class families are convinced to sell themselves for drugs. It’s an ugly scenario.
If you think of drug addicts as low-lifes, look at Henry’s picture above. A beautiful, smart, kind young man whose opportunities were limitless. That is what a drug addict looks like. Like anyone’s son.
Then look at how he died.
I think about Henry just about every day. His life and death have affected me in ways I can’t explain. I also think about Kate and how peace of any kind is only possible for her if there is justice for her child. And I am outraged that the authorities have not jumped on this case more aggressively or at the very least, communicated their plan to Henry’s family. It’s mind-boggling, really.
So what do we learn from the life and death of smart, beautiful, sensitive Henry Granju?
Kate Granju says that her family’s biggest mistake was rationalizing Henry’s early use of drugs as “experimentation,” something that just about any of us who have done drugs casually in our youth would do. If I’d had kids, I am certain that I, too, would minimize any early experimentation with pot.
Thing is, for some kids, it’s a gateway drug. Not for all. Some kids can experiment and let it go. Like I did so many years ago. But it’s different for those biologically wired for addiction. And there’s no way to know in which category your child falls.
I’m not going to pretend I suddenly understand drug addiction. But its grasp on the vulnerable seems iron-fisted in ways that had never been clearer to me until I began reading about Henry. Kate’s brutal honesty paints a picture every parent and grandparent needs to see. It is an amazing service to families everywhere. {The price of that brutal honesty is the mean and nasty blog comments made by a handful of people to this grieving mother. Outrageous, really, that the anonymity of the Internet brings out the Lord of the Flies in the worst of our species. That anyone would think a child’s death is deserved.}
The moral of Kate’s story — Henry’s story,really, is this: If your child is “experimenting” with drugs, take it seriously. Jump on it with counseling, treatment and whatever aggressive actions you can. Seize control of it before it takes your child, too. Henry’s family did do much of this. But Kate wishes she had done more. I’m not sure she could have. Sometimes, there’s nothing more that can be done. But I get that she would rather have been shaking things up hard on behalf of her living son than to get justice after he’s gone.
I’ve been reading about Henry for a while, as Kate’s blog has gotten broad coverage. But I know it hasn’t reached everyone. Henry’s story is important, so please, do share this with other parents, grandparents, teachers and anyone who works with young people.
Thank you, if you have linked to this post on your Facebook, Twitter or your own blog. If you haven’t, I encourage you to do so to help spread the word.
For details about Henry Granju’s case, visit Kate’s 15-part (so far) blog entries on the case:
mamapundit.com/2011/02/justice-for-henry-part-1/
If you are moved by his story, Kate has a petition here: www.change.org/petitions/justice-for-henry-granju
Carol, that one really hits home, for more than one reason. What a beautiful boy and a sad story. These days, parents have so much more to worry about. We have to be keenly aware of the insidious drugs that are not only on the street, but in our own medicine cabinents. Kids these days swipe stuff out of their parents medicine cabinets and these drugs (oxycontin for example)are as addicting as the real deal. Rx drugs can be gateway drugs to street drugs, especially if real heroine is cheaper than Rx. (MKR)
Thank you Carol. He loved and was much loved. His will be a legacy that saves other teens and other families from this kind of pain. People can also learn more and support his legacy by joining us at http://www.Facebook.com/HenrysFund. -Henry’s Aunt Betsy(Katie’s sister)
Thank you for sharing this important message. Henry was beautiful, funny, loving and loved, bright and now we never will know what he might have done with his life.
What a heart breaking story for everyone involved. It reminds me of something that happened a couple of years ago: a friend was talking about a teen he knew and was concerned about because the teen was “experimenting” with marijuana. I said, something like, “Well, at least it’s only pot,” and my two sons burst out laughing and said, “Oh- who are you kidding?! If we’d done that, you would have completely freaked out!” I asked them, “Did that stop you? or slow you down?” When they replied that fear of my “freaking out” had indeed made them reluctant to “experiment,” I sat with that for a minute and then concluded, “I can live with that.” I got lucky. they were right- I would have “freaked out” as they said and that was, I am sure, only part of what made them hesitate. This being a parent is very tricky- with no guarantees, and what works with some kids, won’t work with others.
What a heart breaking story for everyone involved. It reminds me of something that happened a couple of years ago: a friend was talking about a teen he knew and was concerned about because the teen was “experimenting” with marijuana. I said, something like, “Well, at least it’s only pot,” and my two sons burst out laughing and said, “Oh- who are you kidding?! If we’d done that, you would have completely freaked out!” I asked them, “Did that stop you? or slow you down?” When they replied that fear of my “freaking out” had indeed made them reluctant to “experiment,” I sat with that for a minute and then concluded, “I can live with that.” I got lucky. they were right- I would have “freaked out” as they said and that was, I am sure, only part of what made them hesitate. This being a parent is very tricky- with no guarantees, and what works with some kids, won’t work with others.
Thank you for this post, Carol. Henry’s life and death have affected me very similarly to how you’ve described your own thoughts and feelings. I have two beautiful, amazing children and when I read about Henry and see his photos, I’m very keenly aware of my children’s potential vulnerability. I’ve been far more proactive in addressing the issue of drug abuse and addiction (among other things) with my kids than I would have been before learning of Henry’s experiences. I love Henry, and Katie, even though I’ve never met either of them, for sharing and allowing me to learn from their experiences.
Thank you for posting this. I actually haven’t heard anything about it. I’m not even familiar with his mom’s blog. But I have friends who have lost their children to drugs, and I have three of my own, technically grown, but never grown enough for me to stop worrying.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world, isn’t it? Oriah, wise words in your comment.
I think in some way, Henry has become “everyone’s son.” When Kate writes about him, his sweetness comes through and I think that might be why so many of us can’t stop thinking about him and yes, loving him.
I don’t think you can overemphasize the message of watching your kids and being aware of the dangers. I believe there is some sort of biological predisposition for addiction such that some people can “experiment” and others cannot, and I believe that is true for alcohol as well. I do take issue with the idea that “most boomers” experimented and all was well. I’m a chaplain and I cannot tell you the number of families where there is one or more member that is estranged, no one knows where they live, etc., and it’s almost always about alcohol or drugs. Or there’s one or more person who died young–very often alcohol or drugs. I just don’t know where a lot of you folks came up, because I’m older than all of you and heroin and cocaine were very much around when I was young, and lots of people died. Drugs ravaged the town where I grew up, beginning in the late sixties, and lots of people died. There seems to be this idea that “all kids experiment with drugs” and that is not true and parents should not fall for it. “Experimenting with drugs” is, was, always has been, and always will be, dangerous as hell. If that message gets out to parents who never heard it before then Katie will have done an enormous service–I know she wants, needs, much more, but even this is an enormous gift.
I came here from G.Tragedy. Oh my GOD. I am crying for a boy I never met. How his mother keeps putting a foot forward daily *and* digging in her heels to prevent this from happening to other kids. Amazing woman. Kate, your son is in heaven (I believe it exists) and sees you honoring his memory and is so proud of you. Heartbreaking photos too. I have 2 kids under 4 and am already worried about this since the world is a tough place for young kids to grow. So much can happen and it’s hard for parents not to second guess and criticize themselves. I hope his mother realizes how much she is doing to honor his memory as well as saving so many kids she’ll probably never meet
Terri, thanks for your comment. As a chaplain, you would tend to see people who have problems; those who have not would have no reason to seek counsel. The issue is that Boomers whose use was benign are lulled into thinking it’s all benign. I saw a Time report in 2009 noting this: “Researchers found that 42% of people surveyed in the U.S. had tried marijuana at least once, and 16% had tried cocaine. About 20% of residents surveyed in the Netherlands, by contrast, reported having tried pot; in Asian countries, such as Japan and China, marijuana use was virtually “non-existent,” New Zealand was the only other country to claim roughly the same percentage of pot smokers as the U.S.” 42% is a large percentage and only a subset have (tragically) had problems. That’s pretty much my point. CC, welcome! Henry’s life and death really are lessons, and I agree, no mother would offer them up this way.
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When you don’t have kids, you focus on all the joys you’re missing. That first step. The cute things kids say. The prom pictures. Your child’s first day of college and first step into adulthood. You think of hugs and kisses. Walking down the aisle. Grandkids.
I know a little about addiction, just a little, really: enough to know how destructive it can be to relationships of all kinds. I know the shock when an addicted adult can’t even pull themselves together for their own children, much less for their own happiness. I know a little about how parents persevere out of love and concern to support their addict-child. How disappointing it is to see their beloved offspring’s potential grayed out by the demon of drugs. And I’ve seen and heard the helplessness that goes along with that parental concern.
If you think of drug addicts as low-lifes, look at Henry’s picture above. A beautiful, smart, kind young man whose opportunities were limitless. That is what a drug addict looks like. Like anyone’s son.
Carol, that one really hits home, for more than one reason. What a beautiful boy and a sad story. These days, parents have so much more to worry about. We have to be keenly aware of the insidious drugs that are not only on the street, but in our own medicine cabinents. Kids these days swipe stuff out of their parents medicine cabinets and these drugs (oxycontin for example)are as addicting as the real deal. Rx drugs can be gateway drugs to street drugs, especially if real heroine is cheaper than Rx. (MKR)
Thank you Carol. He loved and was much loved. His will be a legacy that saves other teens and other families from this kind of pain. People can also learn more and support his legacy by joining us at http://www.Facebook.com/HenrysFund.
-Henry’s Aunt Betsy(Katie’s sister)
Thank you for sharing this important message. Henry was beautiful, funny, loving and loved, bright and now we never will know what he might have done with his life.
Sue, I so get that he was. Such an important story for parents to hear, and so heartbreaking for your family. Blessings to you all.
M, such a good point.
What a heart breaking story for everyone involved. It reminds me of something that happened a couple of years ago: a friend was talking about a teen he knew and was concerned about because the teen was “experimenting” with marijuana. I said, something like, “Well, at least it’s only pot,” and my two sons burst out laughing and said, “Oh- who are you kidding?! If we’d done that, you would have completely freaked out!” I asked them, “Did that stop you? or slow you down?” When they replied that fear of my “freaking out” had indeed made them reluctant to “experiment,” I sat with that for a minute and then concluded, “I can live with that.” I got lucky. they were right- I would have “freaked out” as they said and that was, I am sure, only part of what made them hesitate. This being a parent is very tricky- with no guarantees, and what works with some kids, won’t work with others.
What a heart breaking story for everyone involved. It reminds me of something that happened a couple of years ago: a friend was talking about a teen he knew and was concerned about because the teen was “experimenting” with marijuana. I said, something like, “Well, at least it’s only pot,” and my two sons burst out laughing and said, “Oh- who are you kidding?! If we’d done that, you would have completely freaked out!” I asked them, “Did that stop you? or slow you down?” When they replied that fear of my “freaking out” had indeed made them reluctant to “experiment,” I sat with that for a minute and then concluded, “I can live with that.” I got lucky. they were right- I would have “freaked out” as they said and that was, I am sure, only part of what made them hesitate. This being a parent is very tricky- with no guarantees, and what works with some kids, won’t work with others.
Thank you for this post, Carol. Henry’s life and death have affected me very similarly to how you’ve described your own thoughts and feelings. I have two beautiful, amazing children and when I read about Henry and see his photos, I’m very keenly aware of my children’s potential vulnerability. I’ve been far more proactive in addressing the issue of drug abuse and addiction (among other things) with my kids than I would have been before learning of Henry’s experiences. I love Henry, and Katie, even though I’ve never met either of them, for sharing and allowing me to learn from their experiences.
Thank you for posting this. I actually haven’t heard anything about it. I’m not even familiar with his mom’s blog. But I have friends who have lost their children to drugs, and I have three of my own, technically grown, but never grown enough for me to stop worrying.
Thank you, Betsy,Oriah,Bad Wolf & Barbara.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world, isn’t it? Oriah, wise words in your comment.
I think in some way, Henry has become “everyone’s son.” When Kate writes about him, his sweetness comes through and I think that might be why so many of us can’t stop thinking about him and yes, loving him.
I don’t think you can overemphasize the message of watching your kids and being aware of the dangers. I believe there is some sort of biological predisposition for addiction such that some people can “experiment” and others cannot, and I believe that is true for alcohol as well. I do take issue with the idea that “most boomers” experimented and all was well. I’m a chaplain and I cannot tell you the number of families where there is one or more member that is estranged, no one knows where they live, etc., and it’s almost always about alcohol or drugs. Or there’s one or more person who died young–very often alcohol or drugs. I just don’t know where a lot of you folks came up, because I’m older than all of you and heroin and cocaine were very much around when I was young, and lots of people died. Drugs ravaged the town where I grew up, beginning in the late sixties, and lots of people died. There seems to be this idea that “all kids experiment with drugs” and that is not true and parents should not fall for it. “Experimenting with drugs” is, was, always has been, and always will be, dangerous as hell. If that message gets out to parents who never heard it before then Katie will have done an enormous service–I know she wants, needs, much more, but even this is an enormous gift.
I came here from G.Tragedy.
Oh my GOD. I am crying for a boy I never met. How his mother keeps putting a foot forward daily *and* digging in her heels to prevent this from happening to other kids. Amazing woman. Kate, your son is in heaven (I believe it exists) and sees you honoring his memory and is so proud of you. Heartbreaking photos too. I have 2 kids under 4 and am already worried about this since the world is a tough place for young kids to grow. So much can happen and it’s hard for parents not to second guess and criticize themselves. I hope his mother realizes how much she is doing to honor his memory as well as saving so many kids she’ll probably never meet
Terri, thanks for your comment. As a chaplain, you would tend to see people who have problems; those who have not would have no reason to seek counsel. The issue is that Boomers whose use was benign are lulled into thinking it’s all benign. I saw a Time report in 2009 noting this:
“Researchers found that 42% of people surveyed in the U.S. had tried marijuana at least once, and 16% had tried cocaine. About 20% of residents surveyed in the Netherlands, by contrast, reported having tried pot; in Asian countries, such as Japan and China, marijuana use was virtually “non-existent,” New Zealand was the only other country to claim roughly the same percentage of pot smokers as the U.S.”
42% is a large percentage and only a subset have (tragically) had problems. That’s pretty much my point.
CC, welcome! Henry’s life and death really are lessons, and I agree, no mother would offer them up this way.