Two weeks have passed and another four hours of, you guessed it, Celebrity Apprentice 2015. More business lessons to be learned—or reinforced. You may remember my last recap, found HERE.
We’re another four episodes past that, so today, let’s talk both two-episode weeks at once, since the lessons are related. And this time, it’s all about taste: good and bad. Well, actually, bad. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Of course, “self” is what celebrities think make them relevant.
Ego is still a powerful driver on teams, especially with celebrities
When teams were assigned a fitness pictorial for Cosmpolitan magazine, one team had to choose a model: either Kenya Moore or Brandi Glanville. Brandi mentioned that Kenya might not be sexy enough for the fitness spread and her team agreed. Brandi got the gig. But Kenya was steamed:
“You don’t want this face or this body? You want a stick figure? Bitches dumb as rocks.”
Were those bitches dumb as rocks? Let’s break it down.
While both women are beautiful, sorry to say that today, fitness means skinny, and Brandi is skinny. I think Kenya has the more womanly body, for sure. But Brandi has a more commercial look. Bitches aren’t dumb as rocks—society is. Ah, ego.
You really can’t discuss ego without mentioning Geraldo, who really wanted to take his clothes off for this shoot. Geraldo always wants to take his clothes off for the camera. He’s in great shape for his age. But let’s get real: he is a septuagenarian. On the team were at least two professional athletes who were younger, hotter and more appropriate to the task: Johnny Damon and Terrell Owens. In Brandi’s immortal words:
“Geraldo is 70 years old and not attractive to this Cosmo generation.”
Word! In other words, “know your audience.”
Not that I’m pointing any fingers, Geraldo.
Who is also dumb as rocks?
Kate Gosselin had a good idea (finally) and Geraldo gave her a compliment:
She looked puzzled.
He tried again. “You’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’ outside the box.”
Said Kate: “I don’t know what the word means, but I like it.”
Assignment to Kate: read the dictionary.
Who’s not dumb as rocks?
Geraldo loves him some camera time and knows how to get it. Last week he decided to demonstrate sexy poses for Johnny, so he cuddled up to the guy in several poses as if they were a couple. This guaranteed him screen time in the episode.
As he pressed himself against Johnny’s back, Damon, clearly uncomfortable, quipped, “Please tell me that’s your thumb.”
Geraldo knows how to get him some air time. Because bad taste? It sells.
Not that I’m pointing fingers, or anything, Geraldo.
Good sense and good taste are in short supply
What are men to do when they are assigned a fitness pictorial for a women’s magazine? Eye candy Ian Ziering knew just the thing:
“My wife has been taking pole dancing lessons, so I contributed a pole dancing essay.”
Yes, because Cosmo women want to read a 50-year-old man’s take on pole-dancing. Ian, stick to that eye candy thing.
Sometimes clients must be protected from themselves.
The task was to make a viral promotional video for client Chock Full O’ Nuts, a NYC coffee company that goes back to the early 20th century. The key word here is “viral.”
Geraldo’s team did a cute past/present video starring himself (of course) and Kate. It showcased the product in a traditional way. Kate’s 1950s-style hair had a life of its own and itself could have gone viral.
On the other team, Brandi and Kenya agreed to play off their rivalry with a catfight-themed video of “every man’s fantasy” that included suggestive scenes of the two having a pillow fight and Brandi on top of Kenya embracing in bed. No, I am not kidding. The almost final scene included the two women and two of their male teammates in bed together with their Chock Full O’ Nuts coffee.
Cringing when I saw it, I was certain the client would think it was in poor taste. But no. They felt it stood a better chance of going viral, and chose it.
I mean, SERIOUSLY? Is this what we’ve been reduced to? When long-time, revered brands think this kind of video is a good thing?
Don’t answer that.
I think the client made a serious mistake in not seeing the potential for viral in Kate’s hair. And how tacky the women-in-bed-together theme was.
When people tell you who they are, believe them the first time
If, like me, you aren’t sure who is the biggest bitch, Brandi or Kenya, there was no doubt who Mr. Trump thought was the biggest bitch.
He always likes to instigate a little in the board room, and poked at the women’s rivalry a bit. This time, he got episode gold.
“Well,” Kenya told him (and an audience of millions), “Brandi is always making these nasty little cracks. But I didn’t respond. I didn’t mention Leann Rimes or bring up that her husband left her for a younger, prettier woman.”
Ouch! Brandi looked devastated.
Mr. Trump’s bushy eyebrows nearly flew off his forehead.
“Brandi,” he said. “You’re very pretty. You know that, right?”
Brandi IS pretty and frankly, she’s prettier than the woman her ass-hat husband left her for. Kenya did herself no favors with Mr. Trump: he was clearly taken aback and as the show closed, he mentioned that he thought it was a particularly low blow. Careful, Kenya!.
Not that Brandi isn’t a bitch, too. They’re even on that. Neither has good taste or good sense. But they do know how to get camera time.
Celebrities! Stop getting cheek implants!
Speaking of Brandi, she IS very pretty. Her natural look was just fine. Then she started getting work done and she is looking progressively…worse. How do these plastic surgeons convince already beautiful women to get cheek implants that push their eyes into tiny slits?
Brandi. Stop it. You’re beautiful as you were. I think Asian women are beautiful, but you do not look good as an Asian. Because you aren’t Asian.
Which brings me to the late Joan Rivers, who made her final TV appearance on this week’s show. She was a sharp and formidable player who won her season of Celebrity Apprentice. I was surprised that her role in the episode was very brief and she had nothing significant to say.
For the first time, she looked and sounded old and frail, stooped over with a slight dowager’s hump and even seemed a bit confused. Her own cheek implants had given her chipmunk cheeks and eyes like slits.
Her appearance made me sad. First, at her untimely death. A shocking way to leave the earth, but almost understandable, given how frail she looked on the show, which was taped not too long before her death. But also because her many cosmetic surgeries made her look so freakish. I sent a silent blessing her way.
21st century management challenges
In last week’s episode, Brandi went back to the hotel because…she had a panic attack. She worked from there. She didn’t consult with her project manager, she just disappeared and left a phone message later.
As it turned out, she managed to excel at raising money for the task, so she didn’t get dinged for it.
Panic attacks. These are things I wouldn’t want to deal with and I am so glad I do not manage people today. In fact, during my career, I came to believe that managing people is a thankless task. Something these celebrities are learning in front of millions of TV viewers.
So, did you see the episodes? What do you think?