I am troubled

October 23, 2017

misogynyA while back I learned that someone I know well who is a confirmed uber-liberal voted for Trump. And was happy he won.

It took a while to wrap my head around that. That is, after I settled that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one I get whenever I realize just how much trouble some men have with strong women.

Like Hillary.

Like Nancy Pelosi. Like Kamala Harris.

Like me.

Not that I’m comparing myself in any way to these strong, accomplished women. But I am known as a strong woman with an inability to simper. Like them. No simpering there, either.

Misogyny is the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced. I can’t even imagine what POC feel when faced with racism. Because if it’s worse than how I feel, and I believe it is, and certainly more frequent, it’s one hell of a way to live.

Now, this voter who cast his vote for Trump would NEVER vote against a POC. That would offend his uber liberal/Bernie Sanders sensibilities.

But it was easy to vote for a madman because it was a vote against a strong woman.

That sick feeling again.

I know misogyny up close and personal. I worked in Silicon Valley, a hotbed of sexism and misogyny. I saw those twins at work every day. I saw them aimed at me. I saw the double standard that meant male executives had one set of performance criteria that included license to be abusive. Women were rated by an entirely different standard. One in which a certain amount of deference, softness and gentility were expected.

Oh, the pit of my stomach is churning now at the very thought of it.

It’s not that I care what this voter does, except for what it says about him. What it says about my relationship with him.  And what it says about how weak that person really is. And not very smart. Even though he’s really intelligent. Just not very discerning. Or smart.

Now, perhaps that person is not so happy about Trump now, I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure he’s built an entire rationale around why Hillary would’ve been worse. That’s the way these people work.

Of course we know she would not have been worse. She would have been better. She is competent. She is qualified. She is intelligent.

She is sane.

I can not look at that person the same way ever again. I can’t.

Maybe he was always this way and I didn’t see it.

But my stomach is roiling now, with anger and with frustration.

How far are we really from the veil and burka? I wonder.

Not that far at all, I’m afraid.

Not that far at all.




40 comments on “I am troubled
  1. robin rue says:

    Everyone has their own reasons for voting who they voted for. A lot of people were misinformed about BOTH sides of this past election and that made it hard for a lot of people to make an intelligent vote.

    • Adrienne Williams says:

      Sounds like you’re one of those Trumptard who thought he would have been better for our country, why? Because you’re one of the rich white women living in your upper middle class home with not a care in the world? Robin Rue, take your sunglasses off and try and live in the real world for once, dumb bitch!

  2. Jennifer says:

    I’m not sure how people were misinformed about both sides. While lies have been told about HC since the 1990’s and became worse 8 years ago, Trump was very clear in what he planned to do. He was also very clear about what he thought of people of color, people with handicaps, women and everything that Obama did as a President. No one should be surprised by any of his behavior or actions since the election because they fall in line with his behavior and what he said he was going to do before the election. Every video of every rally he ever participated in clearly showed what he planned to do. He may have cleaned it up a little (just a very little) for the debates, but then he went right back to a rally and made clear his intentions. So while people have been misinformed about Hilary since she was First Lady, no one can claim they were misinformed about Trump.

    • Jennifer says:

      And yes, Carol, I wonder how long before women are just relegated to just the bedroom and “labor” room? Look at the shows that are on TV like the Duggars? (And don’t think they are off the air because of incest/rape allegations against their son. No. They have a special coming out on Lifetime.) The women are denied an education of choice because their only choice is to learn to be a midwife or a wife. How can we allow something like that to be upheld as “wholesome” TV when they are violating the basic human rights of all of the women in that family? And yet, the right complains that Muslim countries are doing this very thing to their women? I guess only so-called Christian Conservatives are allowed to violate a woman’s human rights?

    • Elaine Kehoe says:

      You said this perfectly!

  3. A lot of my friends either voted third party or didn’t vote at all just to not vote for Hillary. Some were men, some were women. While I’m sure some out there didn’t vote for her based on her gender, a fair amount didn’t vote for her either because they drew conclusions from their own research or because they bought into the attacks on her. Whatever the reason, we are stuck with a man in office who’s just another Weinstein.

  4. Bill Sweeney says:

    The fact that a man who says and does what this guy does got into office is troubling to me no matter how it happened. I think it’s extremely unfortunate that one of the reasons he won is just because his opponent was a woman.

  5. I totally agree. I can forgive those who voted for him but not those who still support him. We are in serious trouble, and those who still agree with him are people I don’t want to have anything to do with.

  6. Shell says:

    Finding out how other people voted does change how I look at them. I try to remind myself that everyone has reasons for who they voted for, even if I don’t agree with them.

  7. Annemarie LeBlanc says:

    Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and to vote for who they think would be right for them. Both Trump and Clinton have their strengths and flaws. I just think whoever is in the White House has a lot on their plate and that they are doing the best they can.Just my two cents.

  8. Aitza b says:

    I have cut ties with people who I know voted for Trump, even family members, and I make no apologies for it. Anyone with such disregard for my personhood has no place in my personal life. I’m also side eyeing my third party voting friends

  9. Ellen Dolgen says:

    I don’t know of another time in my life that I have felt so upset about our country and the direction we are going. The Trump Whitehouse is like no other we have seen in this country. It is painfully disturbing watching the daily news and hearing from this Whitehouse.We have many friends who supported Trump. I am happy to say that most of these folks regret their vote. Right now, I am focusing on doing something positive and doing something that can make real change. My husband and I are involved in Flip the 49th district here in San Diego. This is Congressman Darrell Issa’s district. It feels good to do something positive. We can make a difference one vote at a time. In the meantime, I continue to speak up and out about the values that I feel are important to this country.

  10. Our Family World says:

    Personally, I do not have any opinion to share as I live outside the United States. I just want to wish you well and hope this divisiveness will stop soon.

  11. Brad Graber says:

    Thank you for giving voice to what so many of us are feeling.

  12. Hi Carol! it is challenging times for sure. I doubt anyone in our country hasn’t felt separated from others who voted for DT–me as well. Unfortunately, many of mine who did are family members and I have just have distanced myself from them because it takes too much effort to not speak up if they utter one word in support of DT. However, and it’s a BIG however, my fundamental belief is that the racism and misogyny you point out was just this bad BEFORE DT. But now it is out in the open. Hopefully, women will use this to finally speak up and out that changes need to be made. Women are the majority in our country and if we ever united we could make the changes that we want and need so desperately. Apparently, things had to get this bad to make changes. The time is now. There are things each of us can do to help sway the tide. Stay strong and don’t give in to fear! ~Kathy

  13. Regardless of who voted for whom, what I find most troubling is that anyone can tolerate the kind of behavior that this man continues to exhibit – behavior clearly unbecoming the office he holds. When did we sink to such a level of apathy?

  14. Liz Mays says:

    2016 was a crazy, confusing year but people definitely need to look out for each other now. It’s good to see all of the small groups and students taking to the streets and standing up for one another.

  15. Tonya says:

    While Trump is not my first choice, either was Hillary. And my feelings have nothing to do with her being a woman. I really wish it would be possible for third parties to get elected- in my opinion, a third party was a better choice than those two. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we have better options next time around.

  16. Shannon Sawicki says:

    Good for you for speaking out and giving a voice to an important topi.

  17. I am not happy with how things are right now and how people are being treated. It’s all about your race and your gender these days and it’s so tough to accept especially since we have been fighting for equality for a long time now.

  18. This is a thought that has occurred to me from time to time, and I try to tell myself it is crazy or ridiculous, but is it? We really aren’t that far from burkas…And it truly scares me. Every time our president’s behavior is excused and dismissed, it moves us one step closer to accepting that oppressive, misogynistic behavior and weave it into the every day fabric of our culture. I am troubled as well.

  19. Emily says:

    It may be interesting to follow up with this former friend and ask what their viewpoints are now.

  20. Pam says:

    It’s always hard to reconcile when people you know do things that are totally out of character. It can be hurtful, even.

  21. brianne says:

    I’m so angry and upset about the whole situation. I know many people that voted for him regret it, yet still oppose a woman in office! Baffling really!

  22. I think everyone has their own opinion and I respect them for that. While I hope that a person’s vote should not affect relationships with friends and family, I guess that’s just how life goes.

  23. Helen Chik says:

    As a onlooker from a different country I can understand why some people would see the appeal of Trump but the fact that he still has supporters is just incredibly surprising.

  24. Crystal says:

    I went to an all-girls high school. I hated it, of course, but I do appreciate that I was able to flourish in an environment where my possibilities weren’t limited, where I didn’t have to back down to boys. There were still some old ridiculous things that hadn’t been eliminated from the curriculum (I had to plan my wedding my junior year), but overall the school did a good job raising strong women.

  25. Kiwi says:

    Yeah i am a WOC and racism is a real sinking feeling so its like a double whammy when misogyny is involved. Your a spiritual personal so you know you can feed into the beast just remember youre powerful Women give Life and create life…we create our worlds and perspectives too.

  26. I think that everyone is entitled to vote for the party they want to win. I think that no matter where we go in life, we’ll always find someone with an opinion different than ours and it makes us stronger to see them as having the right to choose just like we did when it came to voting.

  27. Rosey says:

    Political matters divide so deeply sometimes. It’s a shame because the repercussions are sometimes long-lasting.

  28. Gillian Kent says:

    You must have been so disappointed that your friend showed himself to be a misogynist. To vote for all the terrible things Trump stands for just because he had to vote against a women seems absurd.

  29. dawn says:

    i felt the same way when i found out one of my family members voted for trump. he is so damaging.

  30. Diane says:

    I’ve just been reading “The Boys in the Boat’. (Wonderful book, BTW) And of course the entire story builds to the all-important 1936 Olympics held in Berlin. The things Hitler and his minions were doing is all too familiar. Could this really happen again?!

  31. Aziel Morte says:

    What an awesome post and glad that you share this and being a voice to this topic.

  32. This was one of the most divisive elections I can remember and I’m nearly 60. However, I think it’s both sad and alarming to see people alienate one another simply because of which person they voted for /didn’t vote for. Severing relationships over politics seems a bit overboard, just in my opinion,

  33. Sian says:

    Its shame that he got into office, but coming from the UK we had different views. I feel bad for people that are affected by his choices.

  34. Sandra Lopes says:

    Very interesting read. I must confess my strong points don’t involve politics but I understand what you mean. Always wonder why Woman are so rarely voted for as a Leader/representative of a country/organisation. Maybe you have a point there but Lets not allow this to make us regress back to the ’50’s.

  35. Fehin tola says:

    I don’t know much about the United States because i dont live there; but i wish you guys in the U.S.A well

  36. Meghna says:

    Not an American. But have watched America vote for him. I hope for the sake of feminism and womenkind, that tomorrow will be safe, sane and better

  37. adkinsdomain says:

    I still can’t believe he actually won. My theory is that since most Americans don’t pay close attention to politics, Trumps strategy was to make a fool of himself to attract attention and get his name around. By the time the elections rolled around, everyone had heard of him, so they thought, well i guess everyone is talking about and voting for this guy. Shameful. I am truly ashamed of our country right now. Not that our other options were great, but anything would have been better. I could never support trump after the things he has said and plans to do.

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