If you think orgasm isn’t a big deal at midlife and thereafter, you’re mistaken. Having one, not having one–these are topics of interest in our age cohort, whether you realize it or not. And often, they’re topics of concern. Today, we’ll learn how to make the most out of sex at our age. I say “our age” because we’ve had years to develop our thoughts and attitudes toward sex, whether they’re helpful or not. Age changes many things, and sex is one of them. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t have fulfilling intimate lives.
It’s a big day. My friend, Walker Thornton, the sex educator and blogger, is guesting. Sex is Walker’s business as well as her passion. She’s knowledgeable about sex at any age (but especially midlife and older) and is generous enough to share what she knows on her website. You can also find her writing about sex in many other outlets. I really don’t know anyone else in our age cohort who writes so often and knowledgeably about sex. Today, she shares a piece she blogged–and she’s updated her thoughts on orgasm to reflect the ongoing conversations and learning she’s done on the subject. So without further preamble, I give Walker the floor to address the subject of orgasm.
I wrote Talking About the Big O in 2013, which I want to share with you and update my thoughts on orgasms.
I still think an orgasm is like icing on the cake, but here’s what I want to emphasize—we put too much value on orgasms. The idea that non-orgasmic women aren’t complete is shaming women for being sexy/sexual enough. It is a very limited view of what sexual satisfaction is all about. When we connect with another person in a sexual way we want to be seen as a woman, a lover, and partner in that moment. We seek pleasure from and for our partner. We understand that giving and receiving are tied together.
Pleasure should be our goal.
What if we don’t orgasm? Do we negate the whole experience? Do we blame our lover or ourselves? Do we decide we’re a failure because we don’t orgasm? In the midst of all that worry we fail to focus on receiving pleasure.
Let go of the idea you must have an orgasm.
Relax. Savor each touch, each kiss.
Enjoy the feelings and sensations that wash over you as you explore and play.
Allow yourself to feel what is happening to your body—empty your mind and focus on the sensations in your body.
That’s where the pleasure lies.
Here are more of my thoughts on orgasm.