When your toilet’s smarter than you

October 24, 2015

We were at the famous mountain spa 10,000 Waves in Santa Fe for massage and outdoor tubbing.

“Meet you at the tub,” girlfriend called out as she pointed me toward the ladies’ room. “Oh, by the way, those are smart toilets.”

Smart toilets? I thought. I knew what a smart phone was, but not a smart toilet.

As I sat on a surprisingly warmed toilet seat, much appreciated in the rainy cold of the day, I caught sight of a control panel affixed next to the bathroom tissue.  Ok. It looked like a smart toilet was a combination toilet and bidet. At the push of a button, jets of water would shoot up, well, whatever you wanted. One button was labeled front and there were two labeled back.

When I was finished, I perused the control panel, then chose front.

“Whoa!”  I sputtered out loud as a jet of hot water shot up not front, but back.  And when I say “hot” I mean not soothingly warm, but HOT.  I’d chosen front, but my smart toilet had given me back and the water was hot enough to brew a cup of tea.

This thing needs to be calibrated, I thought, or I need to be. Or maybe they disabled “front” because women spent a little too much time there.

I waited for the jet to stop.

And waited.

And waited.

I knew if I got up while the water was still running I’d get a full-body shower. Then, I spied the button that read STOP. I pushed it. The jet stopped.

Smart toilet. A good concept whose execution here needed a little tweaking.

It wasn’t the only surprise at 10,000 Waves, where the communal tubs are outdoors and in fact, getting around the spa means being outdoors a whole lot.

A cold rain poured down that day. It was about 43 degrees and a bunch of customers were wandering in and out of the rain to their various appointments wearing nothing but their damp and getting damper spa robes. The place was cramped, to say the least.

Girlfriend and I headed to the coed communal tub. We hung our robes and towels in the pouring rain, because there was no protective covering.

I love a good hot tub. This one was only 1′ 9″ deep, which meant we had to sit crosslegged to be covered in hot water. The cold rain poured down on us. We were the only women. Three creepy looking guys stared.

This was the notice we saw at the front desk:

smart-toiletNo comment.

As far as 10,000 Waves is concerned, I was surprised that it lacked some of the basic amenities found at most high-end spas, such as hair ties, shower caps and other personal care items.

My masseuse, who had worked there more than 20 years, was not very good and also not very friendly. I spent my 50 minutes fantasizing about the lomi-lomi massage I had in Maui in August at the gorgeous Grand Wailea Spa.

Perhaps my experience at 10,000 Waves would have been different on a sunny day and with a better massage therapist. I’ll give it a try next year with that in mind.

And I’m thinkin’ maybe we need a smart toilet at home. Got one? Tell me about it here!

14 comments on “When your toilet’s smarter than you
  1. Tori Gabriel says:

    Oh my God,this was hysterical. Your description of the smart toilet really made me giggle . I bet you screamed in shock when the water hit you.

  2. Natasha says:

    Too funny! I’ve never experienced a smart toilet before though I have used a bidet 🙂 Doesn’t sound like it will be on my top lists 🙂

  3. Camile says:

    I literally laughed out loud when I read the notice. Does that mean you and your girlfriend got in without bottoms?! I can only imagine how horrified you were when you realized you were probably in the vicinity of at least one perv. The toilet sounds way to tricky for me!

  4. Janice Wald says:

    Hi Carol,
    Every time I come there is something funny to read. I never heard of a smart toilet. That’s weird.

  5. A smart toilet! That is absolutely hilarious. We have a *composting* toilet, which is about as dumb as you can get. I laughed hard about the hot water.

  6. Too funny! We do not have a smart toilet – in fact, because of its low flow, it actually seems kind of dumb to me, especially when you need to flush twice. That’s a shame about the men at the communal tub – if only they were as smart as the toilet.

  7. We have a bidet attachment and LOVE it. It is amazing. You use so much less toilet paper, and it’s so much cleaner. It has temperature gauge…. so no crazy hot water. Haha.

  8. Smart toilets??? Now I’ve heard everything. This was a hilarious romp through the spa experience! And shame on those bad men in the hot tubs.

  9. Faye says:

    Love this post! When I was in Tokyo the smart toilets were EVERYWHERE – shopping mall restrooms, restaurant restrooms, etc. It could be a dingy store and then you go into the restroom and sit on this smart toilet with a zillion buttons, climate control, and soothing scents and music. I’ve not seen them in my part of the states (yet) though!

  10. Lee Gaitan says:

    “Or maybe they disabled ‘front’ because women spent a little too much time there.” HA!!! So funny! and, truth be told, I might need need a smart toilet with two “back” settings to accommodate my generous behind!

  11. Silly Mummy says:

    Haha! I don’t think I like the idea of toilets being smart, to be honest. I don’t want toilets getting ideas above their station!

  12. Liv says:

    How sad is it that they have to put a sign like that up. Sorry you had such a bad experience. And of that toilet was really smart, it would have a temperature guage. ????

  13. Jamie says:

    I haven’t know smart toilet before I went to Japan 5 years ago. It is amazing and such a great thing to save our environment.Smart toilet is so underrated and should definitely be more popular!

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