I am the last person who should talk about jettisoning people from your life forever. Especially relationships. I just don’t do it.

Oh, I stop seeing them. But I also keep them around. And they usually don’t just sit on the shelf, either. They have a role in my life. But only if they’re good people.

Still, there are times when I’ve had to let completely go of a friend or lover, and that’s what I’m talking about today, inspired by one of my readers. This is for you, R. ♥

Powerful forces operate in many relationships and sometimes the magnetic pull is so great it’s hard to stay apart. I get it. But when a relationship has more unhealthy components than good ones, it’s important to move heaven and earth to get away.

Once I moved 3,000 miles to get away from that kind of pull. I don’t recommend that kind of extreme for everyone, but it’s always helpful to make a cold-blooded analysis of any close relationship that you’re questioning.

Who appreciates your purpose? Are you here to cook, run a business, to create or to procreate? Why are you here? You know your purpose and who supports you in it. If one of the first three people to come to mind isn’t the person you’re in relationship with, you’ve got a problem that’s probably insurmountable.

Your partner may not understand your passion for the law, for working in a bookstore or teaching, but in a strong relationship, that person supports you wholeheartedly in your pursuit. They don’t see your commitment as a threat. If that doesn’t describe your friend or lover, it may be time to bid them farewell.

Who challenges you to make good on your potential? Who wants you to be the best you can be? If the first name on that list is not your partner’s, then you’re hiding from yourself. Hey, I don’t like it when M. asks me if I’ve been working on my book. If I haven’t, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. But I’m aware enough to know that the reproach I feel isn’t his, it’s mine. Because he just wants me to make good on my potential. A real partner wants you to be the best you can be.

Who gets you at the deepest level? Who knows your hopes, dreams and fantasies and safeguards them? To whom can you confide your deepest secrets and thoughts? If it’s not your partner, then you’re just marking time.

Has he betrayed your trust? Lied? Why would you allow that? I’ve been there, too. There’s really no excuse.

And I get it. I’ve been in unhealthy but comfortable relationships, those safe ones that I’ve hidden out in so I wouldn’t have to actually have a soul-level relationship.

And that’s ok for a while. (Comfortable is actually ok for a lifetime, if you don’t want to dare a real soul-level relationship.)

But it’s not ok if he’s a sociopath. Sound extreme? Oh, they’re out there.

Here’s the definition: a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood. Does your partner exhibit three or more of these traits? Does any of this ring a bell?

1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
2. Deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
3. impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead;
4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
7. lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

Ok, so. I, too, have made all the excuses that keep a sociopath in my life. If I squint, I can look at these criteria and make excuses. But when I look clear-eyed and coldly at a list like this, it’s hard to see why.

Actually, I know why. I have an open heart, and R, maybe you do, too. Maybe you see your partner for all he is deep down and all he could be. Maybe you are a generous-spirited person with a huge storehouse of endurance. Maybe you’re a hopeless romantic.

I’m hardly ever an advocate for hardening your heart, but in this case, I am. Grown men who exhibit unhealthy, self-centered patterns of behavior do not change. It’s a hard truth.

And people work their way back into our lives because we give them an opening. That damn open heart.

Sometimes, you have to have enough love for yourself to do what supports your well-being. Sometimes, you just have to build the highest wall possible around your heart so that he can not make it over. And you have to keep it in place. Because he’ll try really hard to scale it. Until he realizes he can’t.

Loss of people in my life has been really hard for me. Until someone recommended a book called The Circles, by Kerry Armstrong. Amazon’s got a bunch of used ones for a penny + shipping. I’ve found it very helpful in putting friendships and relationships in the right light.

So there you have it, R. and everyone else. Your thoughts?