The only way to explain couture is to remember that most fashion designers are gay men. (with all due respect to my many gay friends.)

For example:

Now, let’s be real. What woman would be caught dead walking around in this Mad Hatter getup? And what straight man would want to be seen with her if she did?

Where would this be appropriate attire? And the cost– would it be worth a year of college tuition?

Or how about this pom-pom of a hat: would you wear it? what would you pay for it?

Any girly-girly would have to admit that fashion’s one of the best parts of the Oscars. So let’s highlight a few of the gowns from last evening.

Hmmm. Whom shall we feature?

Hilary Swank.

If you like athletic bodies, hers is rockin’. I don’t happen to like that kind of body type, but plenty do.

And Swank certainly has the body for this dress. She looks fit.

But tell me this: do you think it’s classy?

Aren’t you just riveted to her chest, if for nothing else, to see if a nip will pop out? Don’t you think that’s what her tablemates were wondering? I do.

And what is it with this breast fixation? This is such a stunning color, style and fit. Except for one thing.

Well, two, actually.

Did Charlize Theron think that anyone who looked at her (or her Oscars photo) would see anything but her breasts? What IS it with those rosettes?? Is this really high fashion?

But then, there were some impeccable choices. This, for example, on Rachel McAdams:

Or this, on the stunningly curvaceous, gorgeous Queen Latifah:

Big Love’s one of my favorite TV series, and Amanda Seyfriend looked beautiful and elegant in this:

The talented goddess that is Meryl Streep looked lovely. Age appropriate and so classy (and classic) in a white gown that fit her aging figure perfectly.

Not everyone liked Maggie Gyllenhall’s dress that was a little reminiscent of Van Gogh. But I loved it and thought she totally rocked it. Totally.

Elegance. Class. Like Old Hollywood. That’s what Oscar fashions should be about. In my opinion.