I don’t take sleeping pills. So when I can’t sleep, I try to find something mindless to send me off to Dreamland and it’s usually the women on un-reality show, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Yep. I find them endlessly fascinating. each one a study in psychology and as a whole, an anthropological fascination. I watch their antics in…disbelief.

Can you imagine if beings from another planet came down and their first encounter with earthlings was these women??

Of course, beings from other planets have already been here and it was well before these kind of un-reality shows existed. But I thought I’d walk you through how I got to sleep last night. If you don’t follow this show, you will want to click through. Or maybe stick through.

So let’s observe and check out the lessons I see from this unreality check. Because there is lots to learn.

“There’s no fool like an old fool.”

The gorgeous Kyle Richards has been a prime figure since the show started. She and her long time husband, “Mau” have raised four girls and their family life looked far more wholesome than you’d think possible in this lifestyle of the rich and famous.

But…aha! This year, Kyle and Mau “separated.” Now, he’s a man’s man and so there have been many, many unsavory rumors about his fidelity over the years.  But that’s not the big tabloid news about their separation.

Kyle, age 54, has a new girlfriend, singer 28 year-old Morgan Wade. Who is not only younger than Kyle’s first daughter, but tattooed up and down her body and… a lesbian. Kyle, herself, has taken to the needle since they became “friends.” Needless to say, this friendship and their antics have raised eyebrows. Tabloids speculate that Kyle–a longtime heterosexual wife– has now dipped a toe into “the lady pond.”

Kyle has introduced young Morgan (who has a hillbilly accent thicker than corn pone) to the good life: private jets, luxury shopping, fabulous homes. Morgan’s got a nice voice, no question, but she was unknown….just another aspiring country-ish singer.

Until now.

Morgan will be on tour with Alanis Morrisette and Joan Jett this summer.  Surprise surprise. To go from “no one knows my name” to touring with major stars didn’t just happened. It happened because of her higher profile new BFF.

And the buzz is that Morgan has told her friends that she was simply riding out the Kyle wave for the professional benefit–and that now that she’s got her high-profile tour, she hopes Kyle won’t be hanging around all summer.

So yeah–there’s no fool like an old fool and that is an equal opportunity observation.

You cain’t hide from the camera.

Two of the meanest “housewives” are Sutton Stracke and Garcelle Beauvais. I lost my taste for Garcelle when I saw what a shiz stirrer she was in prior seasons. Then, when she called herself a “journalist” –she is an actress and also one of the hosts of The Real, so hardly a journalist—well, that did me in. Since I did go to journalism school. Go away, Garcelle!

As for Sutton, well, something is just not right with this woman and that’s no joke.  She had a very good divorce (it pays her $300K PER MONTH in support until she remarries!) but she is more than socially awkward. I don’t think she’s playing with a full deck.

Sure, it was full enough to get a huge settlement (I can’t even imagine how she got one that huge) but it’s not full enough to hide her dysfunction from the camera. In photos from her former marriage, she wore elegant, high end fashion. Now, her attire is almost Southern Gothic–very girly with flowers and fussiness– and she even went to a first date in a sweater with a big kitten on the chest.

She says she never gets a second date. No kidding.

Without her big monthly payout, I am pretty sure she’d be one of those strange southern women who live in seclusion in a faded Gray Gardens type mansion. Yeah, somethin’ ain’t right there.

Show me the green!

Sweet, overly-talkative Dorit (fondly known as Dorito to  fans) continues her job as walking logo this season.  Not an episode passes without Dorit making an appearance with a fashion designer’s logo plastered all over her. One week it was a long Louis Vuitton logo coat and another it was a really hot black outfit with huge CHANEL emblazoned on the collar. Do people really find this attractive?

Rumor is that she and her husband are having money troubles so I hope there’s a payday for being a walking billboard. If she’s doing it for free, she’s a fool.

Shoot me up!

Many of the women on this show are obviously getting the shot in the stomach. Erika Jayne has become so tiny you can’t even see her in profile and same with Kyle. Erika landed a residency in Vegas this fall/winter and it’s clear she is one hardworking woman. Just the prep for this physically demanding performance is daunting. So lots of respect for that. But wonder how she is managing the … interesting….side effects of the shot given scheduled performances.

It’s a wonder

Crystal seems like the most normal of the women, which is not normal like you and I would be, but normal for this show. She’s married to a well-known, rich filmmaker who kind of resembles a bug. At first I thought I knew what attracted her to him (yes, the money) but they do seem to share real affection and a real relationship.

I have never seen her in logo-wear and she is also an entrepreneur in her own right, something that’s hidden on the show. Because God-forbid they show an actual accomplished woman on that show. (I think they have some abusive rules about taking a cut of any business one of the housewives has so maybe she won’t buy into that. Hope she doesn’t.)

In fact, her story line is remarkably drama-free (a relative term, of course), so I always wonder how she manages to stay on the show. Because Andy Cohen loves drama, especially if it humiliates women. No, I am not an Andy Cohen fan and do not think he is cute, funny or brilliant. He is a misogynist.

The magnifying glass

Now you know my secret for drifting off to sleep. Just a few thoughts about any of these women and I am down, down, down.

And I don’t apologize for this lowbrow taste in TV shows. You’ll often find me watching the show with a puzzled look on my face. As I have often said,  I am fascinated by this strange-to-me culture … as in “what on earth IS this?” 

Speculation is a great sleep-inducer. Just saying.
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