Weeding out

January 29, 2018

weeding-out“Last year you decided to weed out people who weren’t reciprocal, and you did,” my husband reminded me at the end of December. “So what’s your goal for this year?”

What? I hadn’t remembered last year’s goal.

I’m not big on annual resolutions or even a word for the year but weeding out was something that had to happen for my own happiness and in fact, I did it. I let go of two friendships because I saw that I was giving and giving but they were either not giving back OR being passive aggressive. Buh-bye!

And you know what? I was much happier for having done that. I lost nothing. What I gained was more time to spend with friends who gave back.

Won’t be held hostage

This year, I told my husband that I planned to stop being held hostage by the limitations of others. People who were run by all the reasons they “can’t” do something.   People who say they “don’t plan.” Or don’t “plan in advance.” People who sometimes were so touchy I felt like I had to walk on eggshells with them.  I’d found myself waiting around for them to be “in or out” or for them to be in a better mood so I could discuss something with them.

People standing in the way of my own plans.

I know, I know. If you know me, the fact that I let this happen is probably a surprise. It might not seem to be “like” me. But it’s true. I’ve walked on eggshells, I’ve put off my own plans while others tried to get their shiz together.

No. No more. This life is finite and I have things to do. Either you want to do them, too, or you don’t. But I’m going forward with my own plans.

Love it when a plan comes together

And in fact, that began just before the end of last year. It felt good.It worked out.

Now I’m mulling around another thought. I’m pretty frustrated that my local tribe has all moved away and my current tribe is pretty global. Which makes it hard to go grab a cup of coffee together. Oh, we stay closely in touch. But I want more.

I’ve been doing some consulting for a developer of Active 55+ communities and we love the idea of moving somewhere where we’d find people in our cohort. The trouble is that most of these communities aren’t that close to major urban centers. And I’ll be honest: as we age, access to world-class medical care is increasingly important. So we’re working through what this might mean to our future–maybe a move to another state but still in the West.

And then there’s the gay husband

Gay husband weighed in: “You do better with guys,” he said. “I think you should join some gay male meetups.”

Well, that’s a thought.

If you’ve got any thoughts of your own, I’d love to hear them. And maybe you’re inclined to visit my business page, A Healing Spirit.


41 comments on “Weeding out
  1. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions or a word of the year myself. I do love the concept of weeding out your friend garden, sometimes people just have to go.

  2. robin rue says:

    I have some of those non-reciprocal people in my life that really need to go. I don’t know why, but the thought makes me sad…although I am the one that puts in all the effort.

  3. Amber Myers says:

    Oh man, yes, sometimes you just have to say goodbye to those who stand in your way. I’ve done it. I tend to do better with guys too. I don’t have time for nonsense that can sometimes come with groups of women.

  4. I used to be a prisoner of those that stood in my way but over the years I’ve learned to let them go. I haven’t made a resolution in so many years, or goals. I’d rather do that during the year when I see I need to change directions or organize or such as those.

  5. candy says:

    I weeded out a so called friend, always one way with her and she is up and down. Exhausting. I laugh at all the word and resolutions posts at the beginning of the year. I just live my live. Yes we plan and budget and do all those adult things. Only want stable, sound wholesome people around us now.

  6. JEanette says:

    This is definitely something you should do sometimes. There are times that you are the giver in there the taker but then there are other times that they should be the giver and if they are not in they are not a good friend it is time to cut them loose.

  7. I used to make list of my goal that I want to accomplish on coming years. One things is never change I want to travel more and spend less on material things, Also building up my retirement funds.

  8. Bren Pace says:

    If they don’t add value to your life, time to kick them to the curb, imo. Good for you!

  9. I think it is unfair to be held hostage by the whims of others, It is indeed a good resolution on your part to put your foot down and not be held hostage. One needs to have the space to move forward on one’s own steam.

  10. Haralee says:

    Yes loosing members of your tribe close at hand is hard. I lost 2 good friends to cancer and I miss them for a quick chat, a quick text and of course just them! I have come to believe that some people have this dream of where they want to live, at the beach, in the country, in the wilderness and have not thought it through to reality. As we get older it is best to live near a city if possible for health care. When I went through cancer my heart would go out to those souls who needed to drive 2-3 hours every week for treatment and then drive home.The financial burden to set up home in a city to go through treatments is just not realistic for many.

  11. REna says:

    Uh oh! Hope I’m not being “weeded out” lol! One of these days I’m moving west…as soon as I’m able to!

  12. Barbara says:

    I’ve never been known for my patience, so weeding out has been a constant in my life. I will give anyone a chance to show who they really are but, if it’s something I can’t possibly agree with, they are gone. Life is too short to be dragged down by a bunch of Debby downers! But, I agree with Haralee about staying near good health care. The local hospital here is nothing to brag about but, we are within 2 hours of excellent health care if needed. So, kind of the best of both.

  13. I agree completely. I never really set New Years Resolutions for myself, more just reflect on the things that made me happy in the previous year in order to focus on doing more of that in the coming 365 days.

  14. Natalie says:

    Weeding out relationships that don’t bring you happiness is a big step to take. Glad you are in a better place now that you have done this.

  15. Glamamom says:

    I think it’s a great idea to set boundaries and principals for yourself and reserve your time and energy for those you are most yourself with! That’s been one of the great rewards for me as I get older…I care less about expectations and am more comfortable doing what feels right for me. Gay meet ups sound fun though LOL!

  16. Alli Smith says:

    I only have a few close female friends. I don’t like drama and I’ve been told several times that I’m a guy’s girl. I don’t really seem to need a lot of friends so those types were weeded out years ago. It was so refreshing. (I do pick a word of the year. That’s just how I roll)

  17. When I was younger, I was all about the number of friends that I had. However, the older I’ve gotten, I’ve come to the conclusion, surround yourself with those that make you happy. I’ve cut several people out of my life, and I’m much happier because of it.

  18. Sarah Bailey says:

    I have to admit I do new years resolutions for the one reason I don’t keep them, I prefer to make them when the time feels right to myself.

  19. Sarah says:

    I love setting New Year’s resolutions. They are more in the form of goals I set for myself for the year. It’s harder the older you get to meet friends I find. I think getting involved in things, meet ups can help.

  20. Emily says:

    I need to do more of this. I hold onto people in my life long after they have been adding anything good to my life. I try to see the good in them all, no matter how toxic. I really need to respect myself more and fill my life with only the right kind of people.

  21. Anosa says:

    I too let go of some not so healthy friendships that only took from me and never gave back and now I am much happier for it

  22. I think weeding out relationships that don’t bring you happiness is a big step towards happiness. Glad you are in a better place now!

  23. Elizabeth O says:

    I think I need to take your advice and do some weeding out of my own, it sounds like you really benefit from taking away toxic people in your life. I hope you manage to smash your 2018 goal too 🙂

  24. Kita Bryant says:

    There is a reason we pull the weed from the garden. Nothing can grow properly!

  25. Thought-provoking post. My hubby and I have likewise discovered that sometimes you DO have to disassociate from those who seem to dwell in a toxic environment, to prevent their poison from affecting you. We have had to do this, even with family members. If someone is not FOR you, and actively invested in your health, wellness, and success in life… then they’re against you, or at least certainly NOT an important part of your life.

  26. M Robinson says:

    My first thought was “I can’t see Carol in a retirement community.” But then I recalled a few meetings I’ve had recently in retirement communities that kind of changed my perception. One evening, there was no on at our meeting. I asked the property manager why. He said, “Oh, it’s happy hour. Then poker. If you want people at your meeting, you have to come in the morning.” They had a very active calendar. Another one had tremendous work out facilities, card rooms, game rooms, etc. So…could be worth checking out. Maybe you can find one with an active gay men’s group….

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