How did I get here?

It seems like I looked up one day and
out of nowhere my seventh decade
was staring me in the face.
(No, I’m nowhere near 70, count again!)

I look around at women in their 30s and 40s
and I don’t feel very different from them.
Just like my friend who’s 80 probably thinks
she isn’t much different from me.

And she isn’t.
When I look at her, I see a peer.
I also see wisdom.

And one thing today’s done for me
is help me see my own wisdom.

So many of the women who spoke
up today during conference discussions had
a major issue with self-esteem.
We elders looked at each other and commented
that it seemed sad.
For us, those issues went away a long time ago,
if ever they existed.

I’ve had a long and fulfilling career.
I’ve done almost all the things I really wanted to do.
I’ve lived a life of love, surprises and yes, seasoned with plenty of disappointment.
All way stations on the way to whatever wisdom I’ve gained.

Now that I see some of my own wisdom clearly,
the question is:
what do I do with it?

Maybe that’s the biggest thing I’m getting
out of today’s conference sessions:
the realization that I’m not sure what I want to do
or even IF I want to do something
other than finish the memoir.

If I were younger, yes,
perhaps I’d want to build a media empire of some sort.
But I’m not younger.

Retiring early has been a blessing
that I’m not about to give up.
And writing the book is definitely happening.

And yet, could I be done contributing to society?
Is it time for me to withdraw completely into my personal life?

I expected to learn new skills in San Diego.
I did not expect discussions the first day to hit on such a core issue.

Time for some soul searching.