Photograph by Gregory J. Ciurczak

A loving friendship is a true gift. So, when a good friend or extended family member experiences a health crisis or is hospitalized, it’s natural and wonderful to be concerned. And so normal to want to show your loving concern. And appreciated!

At the same time, it’s easy to overwhelm the patient and their family with questions to which they may not have answers. I’ve gone through this a few times in my life–so many that you might say I’m a self-styled expert. And it happened to me again not too long ago, when I was inundated with concerned questions from close, loving friends, family and even friends I hadn’t seen in a very long time (thanks to social media).

Oh, my gosh, my friends were a comfort! But their queries were also a bit of pressure, to be honest.

So I have a few tips if you’re ever in that situation. (and let me clarify that if you are close family or considered close family, this doesn’t apply)

Here’s the big one:

Wait for updates. 

You do not need to ask. If family members in charge have provided you initial information, they will continue to provide information and update you when they know something. Count on it.

When they know something significant, you’ll know it.

Don’t call.

A phone call ties up a line that may be needed for a medical update. Or they may be busy dealing with other important matters.

Don’t call. Let them call you.

Yes, even if you’re close friends and extended family.

You can bet that the patient and family are dealing with doctors and tests and busy. Chances are, they’re waiting for updates, themselves.

Your calls and texts will not help and may even do the opposite of your intent by taking up time and energy they need to attend to matters at hand. Imagine if they had a call from everyone who was concerned–how much time that would take up.

Time differences

We have friends and family in multiple time zones. So be aware of that. If you are asking for an update at what is 7am Pacific time, there is no way your loved one knows anything–they are barely awake! Doctors are just doing rounds!

So be realistic and considerate. And really, don’t ask for an update. Just express love and concern. Let them get back to you in their time.

But what if…

If you absolutely can not wait, here’s the best thing you can do:  Text or email this: “Thinking of you…I know you have your hands full – we’ll look forward to your update when you have time.”

You are not leaving a question hanging that your loved ones may feel obligated to respond to. You are not bothering them. You are simply expressing loving concern with confidence that you will hear more when they are able to update you.

Anticipate.

Chances are, your loved one has not had time to consider meals. When M was hospitalized, one neighbor appeared at the door with a container of fresh fruit. Another asked if I wanted to add to their Door Dash shopping list. “Let me do something for you!” she insisted. You can bring over a plate of food, a pot of soup, a dozen cookies. Yes, anticipate a need, get in the car and deliver. Easy enough–and such a little thing.

Your concern is appreciated

Have no doubt, your friends and family appreciate your love and well wishes. Remember, you wouldn’t be in the loop at all if you weren’t important to them. So trust them to give you info when it becomes available.

There you have it.  I hope you’ll keep these tips in mind if a friend or family member is hospitalized. Take it from someone who knows.