We often imagine successful marriages as seamless unions—two people gliding through life in harmony

But anyone who’s been married for a while knows that a strong marriage isn’t built on perfection—it’s built on intention. It’s forged in the everyday choices we make and how we handle the bumps in the road. It’s a chance to evolve, if we choose to use it that way.

I am not an expert on how to make a marriage work (although I have a ton of experience!) Here are a few hard-won truths about what makes a marriage thrive:

1. Past Pain Doesn’t Disappear—But It Can Be Transformed

We all carry emotional baggage from earlier relationships, family dynamics, and even childhood. And yes, those old wounds will show up in marriage. But we’re not doomed… we’re presented with an opportunity.

A loving partnership can become a healing space—but only if both people are willing to recognize when the past is interfering with the present.

The key is self-awareness, especially when we are feeling triggered. When you notice you’re reacting with more heat than the situation calls for, ask yourself: Is this really about now—or about something long ago?

2. You’re a Team—Even When You Disagree

A successful marriage isn’t about “winning” arguments. It’s about remembering you’re on the same side. Marriage is not a tennis match across a net—it’s a doubles game. You win together or not at all. That mindset makes all the difference. When life throws its inevitable challenges your way, remembering that you and your partner are a team changes how you approach problems. The question becomes: How do we face this together? instead of Who’s to blame?

3. Arguments Aren’t the Enemy—Avoidance Is

People think a good marriage means no fighting. Not true. It’s not whether you argue, but how. “Arguments are for undertanding, not battling,” writes author Yung Pueblo, and that’s a great way to look at them.

Arguments, when handled well, can be productive. They clear the air, reveal important needs, and even deepen intimacy.

When handled well. The trick is to avoid cruelty, sarcasm, or scorekeeping. Stick to your feelings. Listen actively to hear the other’s perspective. And take breaks when things get too hot.

A respectful argument is a sign of two people who care enough to stay in the room and work it out. You’re a team–so best to act like one!

4. Own Your Stuff

One of the most powerful things you can do in a marriage is to take full responsibility for your own behavior. It’s easy to point fingers—but it’s far more productive to say, “Here’s what I could’ve done differently.” That kind of accountability builds trust and creates space for real change. We all bring quirks, fears, and blind spots into our relationships. The work is in recognizing them—and doing the personal growth required to keep becoming a better partner.

No marriage is perfect. But a successful one is grounded in mutual respect, emotional maturity, and a shared willingness to grow—individually and together.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s what real love looks like.