The biggest and maybe the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that people do not behave the way I think they should.

I know. Arrogant of me to think they would. Or should.

But this is a lesson I’ve had trouble with. For some reason it’s really difficult for me to accept when people seem to be…well….manipulating and grifting.

What I don’t always recognize is what’s behind it.

The desperation.  The trauma. Maybe even the mental illness that contributes to it. Sometimes I just don’t build those possibilities into how I view their actions.

This is a tough time to be in need. I know that. But there’s a disconnect between what I know and how I feel.

Yeah, I know: it’s human. But still.

But then the worst happened

In the recent past, two acquaintances have died; one from natural causes and I suspect the other did themselves in out of desperation. Or maybe just gave up.

As much as they pushed my buttons I helped them both at different times. But I can’t say I was understanding.

After they died, I regretted my attitude toward some of their behavior. They were suffering. I should’ve been more empathetic. But their constant begging for money and sense of entitlement really bothered me, even as I provided help. Yeah, that sums me up.

We can’t save everyone. Nor can we help them see what we believe is obvious.

For some of us, social media exposes us to a dark side of life. Things we would never otherwise see.  I like to think I’m empathetic but to my surprise, there’s clearly a limit to that.

I’ve felt guilty about my attitude toward them. I think about them a lot. And that I need to do better.

Plot twist

And as I was pondering that the other day, a note from another friend popped up. They knew both of the people I’m referring to longer than I. They told me what they knew to be going on beneath the surface that the rest of us saw. For one person the real source of their financial issues was a gambling problem. For the other, their endless need for money was actually crypto losses and bitcoin. Drugs were involved. Drugs! That never occurred to me.

So what looked like people struggling to survive a tough system was actually people struggling to survive their own bad decisions.

Yes, yes, still struggling. But when I thought about the people who sent money to help, money they couldn’t afford themselves, even a few bucks here and there, it cast a new light on my self-castigation.

But it also illustrated again how we never know what another is going through.

Some people are really good at putting on a front for grift and manipulation. We see it all the time on social media, even if we don’t recognize it. Others have made poor decisions that have significantly altered their lives and brought them to the brink. And maybe, both at the same time.

So what did I learn?

I did learn the limits to my empathy. Regardless of the circumstances, I came up surprisingly short in that department. or did I?

I also learned that things are not always the way they seem. Sure, I knew that intellectually, but I’m a sucker when I see need. Sometimes I’m blind to anything else, even through my resentment of entitled attitudes. (It really IS complicated.)

I learned that my intuition is usually right. I shouldn’t need to learn this yet again, because I have plenty of evidence that it’s true. But clearly, I don’t pay enough attention to that. There was a reason I responded to them the way I did, even if I didn’t know it.

Hard learned lessons.

They’ve left behind people who believed the facade and grieve with compassion. And a few people who know more than what it looked like on the surface. Others, like me, remain confused about what it all means.

I thank them for the life lessons even if I’m not exactly certain what they are.

I still think of them from time to time and hope they have found peace on the other side.