What is “toxic masculinity?”

It’s not an attack on men. Truth is, toxic masculinity isn’t about masculinity at all. It’s about the unhealthy expectations that society has placed on boys and men. And the damage those expectations can cause to everyone.

We may live in the 21^st century but many boys are still being taught implicitly (or even explicitly) that vulnerability is weakness, emotions should be suppressed, and that strength means dominance.

They’re taught to not show sadness, and under no circumstances should they ask for help.

These lessons are often modeled by the older men around them and passed down through generations. A father taught never to cry may teach the same lesson to his son.  We see these same messages in the media and also the workforce.

Culture affects how we view masculinity

The idea that men must always be tough, self-reliant, and emotionally invulnerable is reinforced by cultural influences. I saw this in my own Sicilian-American culture. But I also have to say that there’s nothing more attractive to me than a masculine Sicilian-American who shows his vulnerability. It’s devastatingly attractive.

But toxic role messages prevail. We see the results in families, relationships and in business. Have you noticed how some men struggle to form deep emotional connections? How hard it is for some men express fear, grief, or tenderness?

Some turn to anger because that’s one of the few emotions our society allows them to display openly. Others suffer silently with loneliness, depression, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy.

Of course, we know that true strength is found in resilience, but that’s not what boys are taught.

What do we do about it?

Knowing how these toxic traits have developed doesn’t excuse the behavior but it does allow us to respond more effectively.

We can start by recognizing that beneath many defensive or aggressive behaviors may actually be fear, insecurity, or emotional pain.

No, don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect. Boundaries are essential.  Yes, compassion and boundaries can coexist.

It’s also important to encourage emotional honesty. But sometimes we women are uncomfortable when men show their vulnerable side. That’s got to stop. When men are are given permission to express a fuller range of emotions, and even acceptance, they often discover strengths they didn’t know they had.

Unlike what some think, courage is not at all the absence of vulnerability. Sometimes courage is vulnerability itself.  But it’s a hard sell in today’s society. Yes, even today.

It’s vital for men to model healthy masculinity for their sons and other young men in their circle.. That includes responsibility, integrity, protection of the vulnerable, emotional intelligence, kindness, and self-awareness. It’s important to teach boys that these are real strengths.

Change is necessary

I know you know men who would rather die than show vulnerability. Me, too. But we have to change that.

That’s why it’s so important to challenge these harmful stereotypes when we see them. Boys need to hear that they can be both strong and gentle. Men need to know that asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not failure. Human beings thrive when they are free to express all sides of their personalities.

We’re not talking about less masculinity, but healthier masculinity. This true definition of masculinity allows men to live authentically, build meaningful relationships, and contribute their gifts to the world without being trapped by outdated expectations.

Imagine how the world around us would benefit if we created space for that kind of growth.