Is there ever a “good death”? I don’t know. But I do know that there’s such thing as a “better death.”

It was about four years ago. Pandemic days. We all sat on my patio while a geriatric housing professional made the case for deciding on next steps now. I wasn’t yet 70, nor was one of our friends. M was 73. And our other  friends were in their very early 90s.

They were the real reason I set this meeting up, although I did want us to know the facts and be prepared.

We didn’t sign on to a retirement community for next steps for another few years.

Our nonagenarian friends never did that at all. “He won’t even consider it,” the wife told me, speaking of her husband.

Truth is, she wouldn’t, either.

I was persistent.

Several times a year I’d raise the subject with her.

“It’s smart to make your own plans about next steps because if you don’t, someone will make them for you and you might not like that,” I’d point out.

She didn’t want to hear it.

Almost four years after that patio meeting, my warning became reality. Her husband had died peacefully after a short illness and a few years later, she also got sick.

You didn’t need a crystal ball….

She was recovering, when family informed her that they had decided on her next steps. No input from her.

And just as I’d feared, it wasn’t what she wanted to do.

It’s probably no surprise to you that this story had an ugly ending. She did die. A difficult death. Everyone on all sides felt they were right.

But really, the only person in this whole ugly scenario who was right was the geriatric housing consultant. “Make your own plans now.”

Our friends were stubborn. It did not work in anyone’s favor. Not at all.

But we weren’t exempt.

We did make plans, but not for another few years. By that time, the waiting list for our very desirable retirement community (continuing care, all the way through skilled nursing) had a five-year waiting list. Minimum. Maybe more.

We are in our second year on the waiting list and regretting not having moved on this years earlier.

Aging. Realism. Adaptability.

These topics run through my mind almost every day.

The fact is we are not forever young. Aging is a a reality that we need to accept.

And as we accept it, it’s smart to be adaptable–to swing with the changes required of those in our golden years.