I’m pretty sure I lacked empathy in my young adulthood. Too new in what it meant to be human, I hadn’t honed that ability. And truth is, empathy is one of those traits that often deepens with age and experience, though not for everyone.
Turns out, all the accumulated losses, disappointments, illnesses, betrayals, mistakes, and regrets we pile up over time can make us more sensitive to those of others. We discover that life is rarely as simple as it once seemed. I thought I knew so much when I was younger but as I aged, that young certainty gave way to a more nuanced view of life.
It took me a while to begin to understand that I wasn’t the only one carrying burdens. Many people carry them, some invisible, and their behavior is frequently shaped by pain we cannot see.
Age burnishes our sharp edges
Many older adults (like me) have had so many losses, setbacks and challenges it now seems harder to judge as I once might have. And easier to understand.
Aging also tends to chip away at the illusion that we are entirely self-sufficient. Sooner or later, most of us need help. What’s the song? We Get By With a Little Help From Our Friends. We become patients, caregivers, widows, widowers, or simply people navigating limitations we never expected. Dependence, vulnerability, and mortality can soften the sharp edges of certainty.
If they don’t make us bitter. Yes, that can happen, too.
Waking up to reality
The perspective of age is eye-opening. We’ve seen cycles repeat themselves—social upheavals, economic downturns, cultural changes, personal crises. We’ve learned that nothing is forever, few situations are permanent and people can surprise us by changing, growing, or redeeming themselves. Or not.
That’s an education in and of itself.
Of course, aging doesn’t automatically create empathy. Some people become more rigid, fearful, or bitter. Their byword is Why is this happening to me?
Empathy requires reflection. It comes from asking, What is this teaching me? or others?
As we age, our capacity to recognize ourselves in others expands. We begin to see that everyone is carrying something. Everyone has a story. Everyone is fighting a battle. We are not the only ones.
And from that recognition, compassion can follow. Not because we’ve become wiser in some grand sense, but because we’ve lived long enough to know how hard life can be—and how much kindness matters.
I’m not sure I got that when I was younger, but I sure get it now.
So well said. Empathy is a powerful resource that renews and refreshes us and has the power to sooth and heal ourselves and others and ease tension and fear. It emanates acceptance, healing, and belonging. Often, I find it just when I need it and in some clumsy moments, I wonder where I left it….and then I realize, I had it all along…..Thanks for the refresh and renewal!
Empathy requires reflection. Such a major point to remember. When we find a bit if ourselves in others through reflection our hearts open up. A place to start. A rule to follow.
All true. I was much more vain and shallow in my youth and early adulthood. I feel bad for the way I treated my younger sister, many times with indifference or snootiness. Now, she’s one of my best friends whom I treasure. One of the blessings of aging.
Empathy is something we all need more of, especially when we don’t fully understand what someone else may be going through. Taking the time to listen, understand, and see things from another person’s perspective can make such a difference.
I love this, and I would say we need to allow age to do that burnishing. I know I have met people who seemed to get sharper edges as they aged. That was largely due to being afraid of having more trauma in their lives.
I really appreciated this reflection on empathy. It is a powerful reminder that truly listening to someone, without immediately trying to fix things, can be one of the greatest gifts we offer.
I think empathy can be a difficult concept for kids to understand. As you get older, you definitely start to understand it more. I also think a lot of it has to do with your family and the responsibilities you have growing up. When you’re expected to help, contribute, and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you, you learn empathy a lot earlier. I know I did because I had to grow up earlier than most. Those experiences definitely shaped how I see and understand other people today.
I’ve always been taught that sympathy and empathy are different. Sympathy is when you feel badly for someone who’s going through something you’ve never experienced, and empathy is what you have for people who are going through something that you can relate to because you went through something very similar. Not every spouse‘s death is the same, but it’s similar not every disease is the same but it’s similar, but we can all learn to have sympathy for people who are going through difficult times. It takes practice and it takes getting out of your own way.
Yes, you re right, they are completely different things. However, to feel empathy you do not have to have gone through the same thing. You just have to have the ability to put yourself in their shoes. One way is to have also gone through it, but it is not the only way to feel empathy. In the same way, sympathy is feeling sad about someone else’s difficult situation but it doesn’t necessarily mean you have never experienced it. You could also feel distance from your own experience. It is a fine line there.
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I’m pretty sure I lacked empathy in my young adulthood. Too new in what it meant to be human, I hadn’t honed that ability. And truth is, empathy is one of those traits that often deepens with age and experience, though not for everyone.
So well said. Empathy is a powerful resource that renews and refreshes us and has the power to sooth and heal ourselves and others and ease tension and fear. It emanates acceptance, healing, and belonging. Often, I find it just when I need it and in some clumsy moments, I wonder where I left it….and then I realize, I had it all along…..Thanks for the refresh and renewal!
Yes, those clumsy moments–we all have them. But it’s good to remind ourselves that we’re only human. Not perfect. Thanks, Gretchen!
Empathy requires reflection. Such a major point to remember. When we find a bit if ourselves in others through reflection our hearts open up. A place to start. A rule to follow.
All true. I was much more vain and shallow in my youth and early adulthood. I feel bad for the way I treated my younger sister, many times with indifference or snootiness. Now, she’s one of my best friends whom I treasure. One of the blessings of aging.
Oh i hear you. Same here. Funny how it takes a while to figure it all out.
Empathy is something we all need more of, especially when we don’t fully understand what someone else may be going through. Taking the time to listen, understand, and see things from another person’s perspective can make such a difference.
You are so right about that, Lisa. So right.
I love this, and I would say we need to allow age to do that burnishing. I know I have met people who seemed to get sharper edges as they aged. That was largely due to being afraid of having more trauma in their lives.
I really appreciated this reflection on empathy. It is a powerful reminder that truly listening to someone, without immediately trying to fix things, can be one of the greatest gifts we offer.
We need more empathy these days. People can be so cruel. It’s tough to not get bitter, but I try to always remind myself of what I DO have in my life.
I think empathy can be a difficult concept for kids to understand. As you get older, you definitely start to understand it more. I also think a lot of it has to do with your family and the responsibilities you have growing up. When you’re expected to help, contribute, and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you, you learn empathy a lot earlier. I know I did because I had to grow up earlier than most. Those experiences definitely shaped how I see and understand other people today.
I’ve always been taught that sympathy and empathy are different. Sympathy is when you feel badly for someone who’s going through something you’ve never experienced, and empathy is what you have for people who are going through something that you can relate to because you went through something very similar. Not every spouse‘s death is the same, but it’s similar not every disease is the same but it’s similar, but we can all learn to have sympathy for people who are going through difficult times. It takes practice and it takes getting out of your own way.
Yes, you re right, they are completely different things. However, to feel empathy you do not have to have gone through the same thing. You just have to have the ability to put yourself in their shoes. One way is to have also gone through it, but it is not the only way to feel empathy. In the same way, sympathy is feeling sad about someone else’s difficult situation but it doesn’t necessarily mean you have never experienced it. You could also feel distance from your own experience. It is a fine line there.