Sometimes we help because we genuinely care. And sometimes, underneath the helping, there is another hunger: the need to feel needed. That can be a difficult thing to admit. Or to even recognize.

Some people give and give–going way out of their way– because giving makes them feel worthy. They become the dependable one, the rescuer, the person everyone calls. They anticipate needs before anyone asks. They solve problems, offer advice, show up with meals and check-ins and endless availability. Even to their own detriment.

It looks like extraordinary kindness and sometimes it is.

Being needed

But sometimes the real reward they’re looking for isn’t the gratitude. It is the affirmation.

I matter because people need me.

I am a good person because I am always the one who goes out of her way to help.

Nothing wrong with wanting to feel appreciated; we all need affirmation. We all want to know that our presence matters.

The trouble begins when kindness becomes the way we secure our worth. Then helping can become less about what another person actually needs and more about what we need from them in return. We have to be pretty evolved to know this about ourselves. But I’ll bet others recognize it when they see it. I know I do.

Kindness is a little different

Learning to separate kindness from the need to be needed is an important lesson on our road to emotional maturity.

We can help others because we want to help—not because helping proves something about us. We can give without taking away from our own needs or that of our family. Without making the recipient responsible for making us feel generous, important, indispensable or good.

And perhaps that is an even deeper form of kindness: allowing another person to be fully capable while still being thoughtful in a smaller way.

Sometimes what looks like selflessness contains a little selfishness–when our generosity is also a request:

Please tell me I matter.

There is no shame in that.

But perhaps we can learn to give ourselves that affirmation directly, instead of asking other people to provide it through their need for us.

Because the healthiest kindness doesn’t say, Need me.

It says, I care about you. I am here if you need me. And whether you need me or not, you still matter to me.

And so do I.