You don’t. People in pain or with a complaint want to be heard. This is especially true for folks who are grieving. They are not asking necessarily for you to relate. They are asking for their own feelings to be validated.
Normalize not telling a relatable story in response.
Don’t. Just don’t. Because it shifts the story to being all about YOU.
Oh yes, I’ve seen all the posts from folks who say that’s a way neurodivergent people connect with others. True or not, it doesn’t apply. Folks are not asking others to connect. They don’t want to hear your story. They want YOU to hear theirs. They want you to listen, not to tell them about yourself.
Don’t take this personally
This is really an excuse to say something unkind without having to take responsibility for it. It’s a not-so-thinly veiled insult. Because if you say this, you know you are targeting them purposely with a mean comment. They know it, too. Do. Not. Be. Unkind.
Why can’t you just… (fill in the blank)
It’s a terrible way to make a suggestion.
You’re too sensitive.
Whoa–really? And the person who says that is just too…insensitive.
That’s a great photo of you–I almost didn’t recognize you!
Instead: you look so pretty! or that photo brings out your best features.
Body shaming
No. Just no. If you think you are doing someone a favor, you aren’t. If you think you have their best interests at heart, you don’t. So, just no. Someone else’s body is none of your business. And no, it’s not about their health, even if you say it is. It isn’t. They know about their own body. They don’t need you to remind them.
So here’s a good test.
If you’re getting ready to say something, ask yourself this: Is it kind? Is it necessary?
And if it’s neither? Don’t say it.
________________________
Here’s one of those “relatable stories” I will probably never forget. A couple of months ago, I was having a professional photo taken and was planning to use the shots in several ways. Just before the shoot, the photographer, presumably trying to make small talk, asked me what the worst thing was that ever happened to me. Little did she know. My initial reaction was shock that she would ask that question before a photo session, my second reaction was to get up and walk away, but I stayed and answered, “My daughter died a few months ago.” By the time I finished saying it, I was in full grief mode. The pictures were awful. I complained, and finally got my money back.
I think what we should or shouldn’t say depends on our relationship with the person. The further we get from our core group of friends and family, the more we should watch ourselves. Social media has become a playground for bullies with no filter. It serves no one.
I hate when someone says, “Don’t take it personally.” How else are we to take something but from our own perspective? You’re right, it’s a way to deflect responsibility. It immediately puts me on the defensive.
The last time someone said that to me it colored the friendship big time. They meant for me to take it personally. Well, I also saw what a sad person THEY are.
It would be great if they taught something like what to say/what not to say/how to handle bad news you receive about someone you love/etc in school, even if it’s a short unit. Some people are born with this type of intelligence. Some learn as they get older. Some never learn. I hope the photographer in your commenter’s story has learned.
Love this. “If you’re getting ready to say something, ask yourself this: Is it kind? Is it necessary?” Says it all and good to remember. As someone born to a dysfunctional family I am still discovering things I should have learned in preschool and if mortifies me to think of all the times I have said terrible things without meaning to. -teach kindness.
Love this. “If you’re getting ready to say something, ask yourself this: Is it kind? Is it necessary?” Says it all and good to remember. As someone born to a dysfunctional family I am still discovering things I should have learned in preschool and it mortifies me to think of all the times I have said terrible things without meaning to. -teach kindness.
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Here’s one of those “relatable stories” I will probably never forget. A couple of months ago, I was having a professional photo taken and was planning to use the shots in several ways. Just before the shoot, the photographer, presumably trying to make small talk, asked me what the worst thing was that ever happened to me. Little did she know. My initial reaction was shock that she would ask that question before a photo session, my second reaction was to get up and walk away, but I stayed and answered, “My daughter died a few months ago.” By the time I finished saying it, I was in full grief mode. The pictures were awful. I complained, and finally got my money back.
That is terrible. Just awful. What were they thinking??
I think what we should or shouldn’t say depends on our relationship with the person. The further we get from our core group of friends and family, the more we should watch ourselves. Social media has become a playground for bullies with no filter. It serves no one.
Well, I think there are ways to deliver info and ways to not…. andyou are right about social media.
I hate when someone says, “Don’t take it personally.” How else are we to take something but from our own perspective? You’re right, it’s a way to deflect responsibility. It immediately puts me on the defensive.
The last time someone said that to me it colored the friendship big time. They meant for me to take it personally. Well, I also saw what a sad person THEY are.
It would be great if they taught something like what to say/what not to say/how to handle bad news you receive about someone you love/etc in school, even if it’s a short unit. Some people are born with this type of intelligence. Some learn as they get older. Some never learn. I hope the photographer in your commenter’s story has learned.
tact does need to be taught.
Love this. “If you’re getting ready to say something, ask yourself this: Is it kind? Is it necessary?” Says it all and good to remember. As someone born to a dysfunctional family I am still discovering things I should have learned in preschool and if mortifies me to think of all the times I have said terrible things without meaning to. -teach kindness.
Love this. “If you’re getting ready to say something, ask yourself this: Is it kind? Is it necessary?” Says it all and good to remember. As someone born to a dysfunctional family I am still discovering things I should have learned in preschool and it mortifies me to think of all the times I have said terrible things without meaning to. -teach kindness.