This is about keeping secrets: the privilege and the responsibility. Especially in this era of social media.
Some confidences from young people are not stories in progress. They are not drafts. They are not things they are “working toward” sharing more broadly. They are singular disclosures—spoken once, carefully, and with great internal cost.
When a young person entrusts an adult with something that deep, they are not asking for it to be processed, interpreted, or redistributed. They are asking for containment. For the assurance that what they have carried alone will not be complicated by exposure.
It’s a sacred trust.
They do not want to see their stuff on social media.
These are the kinds of truths that may never be spoken again. Not because they are unimportant, but because the act of saying them took guts. To break that confidence is not simply a breach of trust; it is the erasure of the only safe place that truth ever had.
Adults often underestimate this. They imagine disclosures as part of the young person’s development and —that it will resurface later, or be reframed with time. But for many young people, especially those navigating power imbalances, shame, or fear, there is no later. There is only this moment, this listener, this fragile opening.
To keep such a confidence is an ethical act of restraint. It requires resisting the impulse to explain, to seek validation from others, to turn private knowledge into shared understanding. It means accepting the weight of knowing something you cannot offload.
It requires listening.
I’ve been privileged enough to hold the confidences of a few young people. The kinds of confidences they didn’t want to share publicly … or even with their parents.
Yes, of course: it’s different when real harm or imminent danger is present.. But outside those narrow and serious exceptions, confidentiality is not optional—it is the protection itself that is paramount.
Safety matters.
When an adult holds a young person’s deepest confidence and does not pass it on, they are doing something rare. They are allowing a truth to exist without consequence, without spectacle, without being made useful to anyone else.
What a gift that is!
Have you held the confidence of a young person? What did that feel like?
So very well said! As an older cousin and auntie, having the young people in my family trust me feels like such an honour. To listen and to guide them (when needed) is something that should not be taken lightly…nor discredited!
This is such an important reminder. When a young person trusts you with something deeply personal, that trust should be honored and protected. Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do is simply listen without judgment and provide a safe space where they feel heard and respected.
I love this, as it is something we all forget. From the tower of our adulthood, we might look down on a secret, a shared bit of information, deciding it is NOT IMPORTANT. We are NOT the one to decide. Given the seriousness of the information or the difficulty in sharing it, we have a duty to keep it private. No mater the age of the speaker, if a secret is shared, we must honor its that it is secret.
I can’t imagine betraying anyone’s confidence, let alone a young person. That might turn them off from sharing for a long time, a sad turn of events. Having them confide is a lovely gift and compliment.
There was no social media (no internet!), when I was growing up. I can’t imagine the challenges young people face now. Children need a confidant in any time period, but maybe now more than ever.
I know exactly what you mean about having young people who come to you because you’re a safe person. I taught middle school theatre last semester, and had quite a few students who knew they could talk to me and I would keep the secret as long as it wouldn’t harm them or others.
So many adults think sharing someone’s story is harmless if it comes from a good place. This is a good reminder that it’s not yours to share regardless. Thank you for writing something so real.
Liked how you explored the idea of keeping certain parts of young people private instead of over-explaining or exposing everything. that’s thoughtful on how boundaries change as people grow.
It’s so important not to mess up the foundation of trust between yourself and a young person. Those formative years are so vital to their development. It’s important to provide them with a safe space.
With social media, nothing really seems private anymore. But this is not a place to share when sharing is not given. If they are confiding in you, listen and support; do not share or ask others.
Sometimes, adults forget that everything a young person shares with them is confidential and not to be shared. It takes time to build trust and we must respect our young folks wishes.
Sometimes it can be extremely hard for young people to have the confidence to open up about things that trouble them. Showing a willingness to listen and also demonstrating you are trustworthy means they can share issues that are troubling them.
This is so true, and it’s one of the reasons why we try to minimize using social media for personal matters. Most of the time, we just use it for business and work instead.
I’ve also started noticing this with my kids. I often hear, “Mom, stop posting my photos. It’s embarrassing.” I guess it’s a good reminder that as they grow older, they also want more privacy and a little more control over what gets shared online.
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So very well said! As an older cousin and auntie, having the young people in my family trust me feels like such an honour. To listen and to guide them (when needed) is something that should not be taken lightly…nor discredited!
I’m an auntie, too, and I hear you!
This is such an important reminder. When a young person trusts you with something deeply personal, that trust should be honored and protected. Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do is simply listen without judgment and provide a safe space where they feel heard and respected.
Listening without judgment is a huge gift.
I love this, as it is something we all forget. From the tower of our adulthood, we might look down on a secret, a shared bit of information, deciding it is NOT IMPORTANT. We are NOT the one to decide. Given the seriousness of the information or the difficulty in sharing it, we have a duty to keep it private. No mater the age of the speaker, if a secret is shared, we must honor its that it is secret.
You are so right. It’s not ours to decide. Only theirs.
Oh yes, I’ve held many secrets that my daughter told me. I keep it to myself and give her advice.
That is a wise course of action.
I can’t imagine betraying anyone’s confidence, let alone a young person. That might turn them off from sharing for a long time, a sad turn of events. Having them confide is a lovely gift and compliment.
Agreed. I feel the same.
I couldn’t agree more. If a child or young adult entrusts me with somethign so important, and there is no chance of harm, I will never divulge it.
I am exactly the same way.
There was no social media (no internet!), when I was growing up. I can’t imagine the challenges young people face now. Children need a confidant in any time period, but maybe now more than ever.
Yes, it’s all different today. And more difficult.
I know exactly what you mean about having young people who come to you because you’re a safe person. I taught middle school theatre last semester, and had quite a few students who knew they could talk to me and I would keep the secret as long as it wouldn’t harm them or others.
It’s the ultimate compliment, no?
So many adults think sharing someone’s story is harmless if it comes from a good place. This is a good reminder that it’s not yours to share regardless. Thank you for writing something so real.
that’s right. Not ours to share.
Liked how you explored the idea of keeping certain parts of young people private instead of over-explaining or exposing everything. that’s thoughtful on how boundaries change as people grow.
You know, you’re right. Boundaries.
Carol, your thoughtful reflections on keeping young people’s secrets highlight trust, respect, and the delicate balance of guidance and privacy.
Thanks, Jerry. Something that was on my mind.
This is a great reminder of the importance of keeping secrets, especially when younger people trust us.
Yes, younger people neeed that safe place.
It’s so important not to mess up the foundation of trust between yourself and a young person. Those formative years are so vital to their development. It’s important to provide them with a safe space.
With social media, nothing really seems private anymore. But this is not a place to share when sharing is not given. If they are confiding in you, listen and support; do not share or ask others.
Sometimes, adults forget that everything a young person shares with them is confidential and not to be shared. It takes time to build trust and we must respect our young folks wishes.
Sometimes it can be extremely hard for young people to have the confidence to open up about things that trouble them. Showing a willingness to listen and also demonstrating you are trustworthy means they can share issues that are troubling them.
This is so true, and it’s one of the reasons why we try to minimize using social media for personal matters. Most of the time, we just use it for business and work instead.
I’ve also started noticing this with my kids. I often hear, “Mom, stop posting my photos. It’s embarrassing.” I guess it’s a good reminder that as they grow older, they also want more privacy and a little more control over what gets shared online.